You didn't really start out so well. In fact I kinda hated you this morning. I was mad, and tired, had inexplicable bad skin, and upset with my own head. To top it all off, I was beginning to feel forgotten. It was silly and pitiful, but I was feeling it nonetheless.
So I tried to fool myself into feeling like my world wasn't spinning out of control. I wore my cheeriest dress, which is also brand new to me, which of course makes me happy. Right? But I wasn't having it. So I wore pretty socks that I normally feel self conscious in and new shoes. But still I was kind of gloomy. The fact that I didn't have to work until noon wasn't enough to cheer me.
So I went down stairs and got a cup of coffee and ate some bacon. Bacon and coffee weren't even doing anything for me. And even after a good long chat with my mom and sister (which always makes me happy), I just couldn't shake this feeling. So finally I left for work.
I called Bri and asked her if she wanted to get Chipotle. Chipotle Always makes me perk up. But not today. Today, my veggie and stake quesadilla didn't taste very good. And the pile of filing on my desk never seemed to get any smaller despite my working on it all day long. And there was the air conditioner wars that made me so mad and frustrated with the idiots in my office. And then there was the idiot's stupid slight disguised as a compliment about my dress, and I realized that I was just tired of the people in that office, because I don't actually like any of them, and I'm just tired of being here in general, and I'm really way more upset than I'm letting on about having to move in September instead of June, and why can't anything I plan go right for once in my life? And even the suddenly dark grey clouds weren't enough to help, because the storm that we were supposed to get would pass by as usual, and I'd still be dry and hot, and it was probably only hazy clouds anyway.
So I took a break. I bought cream for the office and cupcakes for everyone. And even though my Raspberry cupcake was really, incredibly delicious, it reminded me of that diet I'm supposed to be sticking to and then I was mad at myself for being a total loser, who will probably never do anything with my life and will be 30, married to Paul Blart: Mall Cop (a nickname for someone I know), still working for my dad and still dreaming of getting out of here.
And so I left. Or I started to. I saw my tripod in my car and said, what the hell, I might as well take a picture or two. So I set up my tripod and camera, but I couldn't get the thing level so all my photos were going to come out crooked. And that's when I gave up, threw off my jacket and went to take a damn picture, because y'know what! I just don't care anymore! I'm sick and tired of being stuck in my own head all day and not being able to get out and I just want someone to say "hey, are you okay, or do you need someone to let you cry at them for half an hour?" and no one cares, so there-
And that was when it started to rain. Heavy, hard, buckets of rain that caught me by total photographic surprise.
(Everything's thrifted, except the dress which is from a vintage shop I'll tell you more about later, and the socks which are Betsey Johnson.)
And I genuinely smiled. Because I remembered that the Big Guy upstairs cares. And He usually does a pretty good job of taking care of me. And He usually knows exactly what I need. And He usually gives me what it is I need, when I need it. And He's in control, not me, and He's pretty sure He knows what He's doing.
I took a few pictures, trying to keep my camera as dry as possible, but I stopped feeling so self centered all of the sudden and realized how incredibly blessed I really am, even if I do really need a haircut that I've had no time to get done. And as I began to drive home, listening to my tape of Irish Folk songs, I kept smiling, because it's the simple things in life that really make a difference, and the big things generally try to get in the way. I just have to remember to tell them to go wait their turn in line and I will get to them. I was calm, and things began to fall into place and make sense and my least favourite signal light didn't even bother me. Instead I was so taken with how pretty everything seemed in the rain. Like the roses on Victoria Ave. Or the fog on Allessandro.
And when I finally did get home I began to realize how nice you'd actually turned out to be. because despite my tendency to get stuck in my own head, you brought me out of it, and washed away all my worry. And then I saw my box of Polaroid film had arrived and I forgave you entirely for any bad beginnings. So now I am going to get a cup of coffee, put on Badlands , put away and go through my clothing, and listen to the rain and wind hit my bedroom window.
What I'm trying to say is thanks Tuesday. You turned out alright in the end. Now if you could just see that Wednesday get's the rain memo, I'd be very grateful.
With lots of love,
P.S. Don't forget that tomorrow is the second instalment of Thoroughly Modern Vintage, and I think it's pretty darn good!