December 5, 2008

This is why we have no friends

My mom is the shizz. No really she is. She just got a facebook, which is all sorts of lame, but I've forgiven her and made it my personal goal in life to embarrass the hell out of her via her facebook. So here's our last few conversations.

Ashley Barrett wrote
at 8:41am on December 3rd, 2008
So today in the shower I was reminicing while
I tried not to kill myself (it was shaving day AND I managed to drop a bottle of
shampoo on my foot and break a blood vessle in my toe. But where is my Vampire
to rescue me? With my luck he probably died on the way to save me...). I was
thinking of days of yore when we used to be nutters with the exception of me.
Did you know that I got 10 points knocked off a paper once for writing "women
unite" on the back? I'm not even a feminist, but them thar teachers must have
been afeard of my awesomness in infulencing their children and it made me
remember being blamed for the awakening of other such children and made me
wonder why I was not blamed for more disfunction. My daughter got knocked up?
It's Ashley's fault! My son tattooed his arm? It's Ashley's evil influence! I
mean really. With as much trouble as I was in in High School, it's no wonder
people thought I was the spawn of satan. of course that makes you satan, but

Ashley Barrett wrote
at 8:48am on December 3rd, 2008
Anyways in conjuntion with my thoughtage
about life in yesteryear I compiled a christmas list for you finally. Now please
believe that I am DEAD serious about all items on this list. So here it
1. A spiffy new Denim jumper. The American version. A denim sweater
would be uncomfotable and really impractical.
2. New white platform Tennies.
I'd prefer them with those sqiggly lace things for ease and convenience. besides
if I had to bend over to tie them a boy might see my backside and get the wrong
idea about what kind of girl I am.
3. A horse. 'nuff said.
4. Music,
prefferably without a syncopated beat. So have fun trying to find that since it
doesn't actually exist. Actually it does. No not really. See Rap is the only
"music" without a syncopated rythm, but it has no melody line, thus violating
the 5 elements of music, which includes having a beat.
Ashley Barrett wrote
at 9:04am on December 3rd, 2008
Take three:
5. Scrunchies, cuz apprently hair bands are evil. While we're
at it though can I get a perm?
6. Okay and I know that this is almost evil,
but I really, really want it. Can I please get my ears peirced? For the fifth
time? Yes fifth. Remember? I have three earring holes and a cartilage piercing.
But PLEASE!!!!! It's not like I want to pierce my belly button or worse yet my
In all seriousness though All I really want for christmas is
music (with a beat. I figure Jesus already forgave all my sins so I guess it'll
be okay to continue listening to music with a beat, which btw includes gergorian
chants, because it's not music without a beat...), and Rob Pattinson, so there
ya have it. I could use a car too... But I think the number one thing that other
people will want for you to give me is an exorcism. Comming next Hallowe'en: The
Exorcism of Ashey Barrett. She had Beauty, Friends, Love, and Innocence, But all
that changed the day of the rock concert....
Stephanie Barrett
wrote at 12:07am yesterday
You are one of the reasons I have no friends. If
it's not me offending them (cause dragons are really not real!), it's sure to be
you offending them! So as for your Christmas list (the real one), what music?
You need to give me specifics. And I'm not buying you a car. If you will
remember, you totalled the last one! Buy your own car. You have a job. As for
Rob Pattinson,you'll have to work that one out on your own. Audition for a part
in New Moon. You could be one of the Volturi or you could be a really pale
Quileute and be Leah. Then you can meet him.
Ashley Barrett wrote
at 11:28am yesterday
You think of me as Leah???? Wow mom, I feel the love.
You know I'm sooooo Jane. Actually I think I'd make a good Jane. she'd short and
has dark hair, plus the whole she loves seeing people in the pain she causes
them. I can see it all now.....(insert swirly effect for daydream)....
Ashley: Wow this Jane chick has really got the hots for
Rob: What? How did you come to that conclusion? She's kind of
A: Yes on the surface, but look deeper into her pain. Y'know
I spent a month in a Turkish torture prison to prepare for this role?
R: Really? That's dedication. But how do you know she has the
hots for Edward?
A: Well it's a part of her character that I don't really want
to disclose, but for you I guess I can. See what happened is that Jane saw
Edward once and liked him, but he was all, 'hey get off my back crazy torture
chick. I'm in pain and all emo, I don't need any of your sadisticness added to
me.' So then Jane decided that she was pissed off by be
Ashley Barrett wrote
at 11:40am yesterday
A:(cont.) So she's all y'know what homeboy, you're gonna pay.
So when Aro asks her to test out her gift on Bella and then uses it on Edward
it's not because she's all evil, it's pay back. But see Edward can hear her
thoughts and as she keeps thinking of her desire for him, he's like whoa this
chick has it bad, I'd better get Bella out of here before she goes really nutso.
But the catch is that Edward know he's really in love with Jane, cuz y'know I'm
like so much hotter than her and all, so they have this affair, that only
happens when Edward goes off "hunting".
R: Really? you got all that from the ten pages she's
A: That's cuz I'm cool like that.
R: Wow Ashley, you really are all that and a bucket of
chicken. Would you marry me?
A: Are you really asking or just projecting Edward's true
love of Jane onto my awesomness? (to be continued again stupid

Stephanie Barrett
wroteat 11:44am yesterday
You do know that you are insane!

Ashley Barrett wrote
at 11:52am yesterday
R:Wow you really know me. You're my other half, y'know, and
since we're both the last romantics on the planet let's go off and get married
and live in the middle of nowhere in a tiny cabin fueld by a wood stove and our
love. And we'll be passionate our whole lives, and write craptastic poetry to
eachother and make beautiful music.
A: *melts on the floor then solidifys and begins the make-out
Annnnnnd scene!
And this is how I fell in love with Rob Pattinson. It'll be
one of the chapters in my memoires titled Of Vampires and Debbussy: Being a
Romantic in a post modern world
. And now you know why you have no friends,
because they all think I'm on a constant drip of liquid crack. Cuz me and Amy
Winehouse are like this *crosses fingers to signify our close crack addict

So then we started chatting and it ended up revolving around my auditioning for the next Twilight film, driving crappy cars around Portland, and how to make homemade hot pockets since I refuse to eat the real things beacuse they are made with cheese food product and not real cheese and why there is a need for fake cheese is beyond me. Then they had the audacity to come out with the lean pockets, which I'm still trying to figure out how to make crap less crapfull. These are the things I think about at night. And somehow in the night my nose ring managed to pop out and I have no idea where the cheese food product, it is.
On a side note my co-worker Jessica came back from lunch and saw that I was blogging and said (and I quote) "Oh who are you ranting about today?" I think this really a horrible comentary on my blog's personality. Poor blog....

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