May 22, 2009

Emotion and other unknowns

I left my camera at home so sorry for no pictures. There's some videos too that I'll post later.
I was very quiet last night. After the "ordeal" that is. I didn't say much. When someone asked me how I thought I did, I'd just say "I don't know yet." I didn't. I spent a very long time last night processing it. I wrote the longest email of my life to my voice coach, who's response was a mere four sentences (which is the longest email I've ever got from him! haha!). I didn't over analyse, I just processed it all. I felt weird and strange and uncomfortable. It was really very odd and I've never felt like that after a performance. I mean I have some horror stories about performing, from falling off the stage, to completely forgetting my words, to wardrobe malfunctions, to vomit. And I always felt a little bad afterwards and then it was done, there was another show, and I got over it. But this wasn't anything like that. I felt confused and sick and like I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out again. I'm an artistic person. My emotions tend to rule me more than my brain, and sometimes there is just too much emotion for my brain to handle, so I have to slowly, issue by issue figure out what the heck is going on, what I'm feeling. So last night I got home, put on my pajamas, sat on my bed and thought. And thought and thought and thought. Then I began to write the email. Just as I thought I'd finished my email, I got it. I figured it out, and I didn't like it. See I'm a bit of a conundrum. Someone very wise once told me that we're all conundrums, some people are just more of a conundrum than others, and I happen to be one of those people. I'm a paradoxical person, romantic, and cynical, sweet, and vulgar, loving and hate filled. It's always an adventure to be me. The point is that I realized that I've always wanted the one thing that scares me the most. And I'm a very scared person. I pretend that I'm brave, and tough and can do it all, but really I'm pretty convinced I'm going to fail at it all, so why even try? Last night I tried and I didn't fail. I didn't excel either, but I didn't fail. I managed to hold off on throwing up until after I was done, no one stoned me, there wasn't a boo in the room, and considering how much I thought I was shaking compared to how much I was actually shaking, it was a success. Sure there's room for lots of improvement, but I did it. I know that if I did it today, I'd do better, and if I did it tomorrow I'd do even better, and so on. So I've run out of excuses. I wanted to fail, because then I could say see this was a bad idea, I'm not ready. But I couldn't say that. I was ready, and I didn't muck up as badly as I anticipated. Basically I have no reason to be lazy anymore. I have no reason to doubt myself, I have no reason to not do it again. I broke my little bubble of comfort , and while last night I was trying desperately to restore my bubble, it's broken and I can't fix it. At first I wanted to fix it more than anything. But then... Well then I didn't. My fingers were longer, my legs taller, my mouth was older, my eyes were larger. I'm not eight, I'm not fifteen. And really I was making a big deal over what I always knew I could do.
I'm sorry if this seems a little confusing. I left out alot that you just wouldn't understand. Don't say you're proud of me, don't say you always knew I could do it, because I don't honestly think many people really did. I've never given them a reason to. I did it and it's done. I'm not going to dwell on it, because there's nothing to dwell on. It happened, I learned it's lesson, and now I'm ready for the next lesson. I'm always going to struggle to push myself to leave "the city of my comfort" and I'm going to want to fall back into that trap. But I'm not going to. I know that I can be happy doing anything, so let's see how happy I am when I actually do what I really want to. I'm not a child. I'm not someone you can make fun of and then sweetly congratulate me in a very pedantic manner. I'm not that girl anymore. I'm me Ashley, the grown woman. I can joke about my loserness, you cannot, because it's not true. I don't need anymore mothers than I already have. If I bump into someone, oh well I'll apologize. Don't tell me not to over analyze. I'm not scared of myself anymore, you don't need to pet my ego. Man up and be honest. Don't treat me like a child. I'm not one. I haven't been one for a few years now. I don't want to be one. Sure I love squishing sand between my toes and acting ridiculous with my girlfriends, but I love being an adult more. I want to see what I can do. I want to see the world. I want to see where I end up. I want exactly what scares me, and I want to be scared. I want to know I can beat that dumb fear. And if I happen to laugh obnoxiously while doing so, don't chastise me. I laugh obnoxiously and always have and always will. I'm not going to change that. I'm not going to apologize for that. If I giggle and talk loudly, accept it. That's who I am and I'm not ashamed of it. If you are you can either choose to not associate with me or deal with it. I'm not going to apologize for the things that make me who I am. I'm finding I kinda like myself.
So yeah I learned a lot last night. I'll leave you with this, my favourite quote, which has never been more true for me. Have a really wonderful weekend everyone.
The creative is the place where no one else has ever been. You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself.-Alan Alda


  1. Thank you! I'm the same with everything - I have to start three different things before I finish one.

    Alan Alda is my hero!

  2. you make alot more sense than you think you do.

    we've always told the kids, "you can stand on the platform waving at the train or you can get on the train and join the adventure"...welcome aboard!