July 23, 2009

Remember me?

(My family and I are on a mini-vacation in Oceanside and are staying in a beach house. It's far too modern for my tastes, but there is a charming roof top terrace. This is three stories up and I am sitting on a ledge that leads to emminent doom aka the sidewalk)
Blouse- New York and Co.
Skirt- Thrifted
Belt- Torrid
Shoes- Payless
Ugly face- being exahusted/being terrified of my possible death
Sarah has had some really lovely blouse/skirt combos this week so this morning I thought I'd try my hand at one. Unfortunatly it was 105 in Riverside today so until I got down to Oceanside (where it was 78), I was dying from the heat of this skirt. The lining is super hot. But I got lots of nice comments on the combo.
So remember me? I'm the weird girl who apparently can't handle her emotions. Remember now? Oh good.

Well I am back. I am back and I've had a good/wonderful/amazing/odd/frustrating/horrid week. Yes it was all that and more. I have to say I missed blogging. I missed writing random things that few people find amusing/enjoyable. I missed being apart of this really neat community of bloggers. But I needed the time off. I needed to think less.

This is the problem: If you haven't figured this out my way of processing things is to write. This is probably why I spent so much of my childhood writing stories. The reason I never finished them was because I didn't need to. I'd written that part and dealt with whatever I needed to deal with and life was merry again. I used to keep a journal (several actually) in which I would write these things that don't really belong on a blog, but haven't kept one since about 2007. It seems that every few years I need to start another. This is usually preceded by several major event in which I grow tremendously, and followed by several major events where I grow tremendously. The writing comes during the dry season between the two. Being that this here blog is my only continuous outlet for writing, it tends to suffer. Writing helps me process because it's a task with finality, in which I only have to think about the words I'm writing and not the actual subject, which actually helps my head clear and for me to see things clearly and then be less of an idiot. It's an annoying process, but it's what I have to do. You should see the lengthy email I once wrote to my voice teacher after a "major event in which I grew tremendously". It was at least four paper pages long, and you could literally see my thought process as you read it. It's what I do. I find that If I need to think about something I should write and not actually think because then I over think and become even more confused. However if I act on things spontaneously and don't think things usually work out better. The problem is sometimes my thought problems are not "act-able."

The other problem is that I am a juxtaposition of myself. I'm a paradox, a Gemini (in theory), the anti of what I claim to be, and everything I claim to be. There's this very sweet, slightly sappy, highly emotional, constantly happily melancholy girl full of wonder and romance, and this slightly cynical, witty, head strong, independent, happy-go-lucky girl full of romance and wonder who is happily melancholy. As you can see I have repeats in these two characters and they are the characteristics that tend to lead to making stupid, rash, and highly emotional decisions that are, well, stupid, rash, and highly emotional. Shockingly (ha!) these characteristics also lead me to have small bouts of "woe is me syndrome" or WIMS for short, that usually end in people thinking I'm a drama queen. I'm not Dramatic, I'm Romantic. There's a fine line of difference, but it's there. The Dramatic acts like this for attention and because they want to. The Romantic does it because she doesn't know what else to do and has a brain the size of a pea which is unable to actually deal with the several different things she is going through. It's a tough life but someone has to live it.

I'm not trying to make any excuses for myself, just explaining and hoping you all can see that I'm not an emotional wreck, just an idiot. And that's okay with me, because honestly I like myself. I like my idiosyncrasies, my eccentricities, and my WIMS. It's part of the package deal that comes with me and there isn't much I can do about it.

Long story short, I'm journal-ing again, not so much an idiot as I was previously, probably going to be an idiot again and again, happy with life, and I'm no longer in a "fink", which is apparently not the appropriate use of the word. Fink is supposedly a tattle-tale in Mob terms. All I know is it was a fitting word for how I felt. More like an onomatopoeia for what I felt like.

So this week I spent not thinking. I did alot. I took time for me and I made lists and lists (and lists and lists and lists) of all the really wonderful things in my life. I realized that I am human, thus allowed a few moments of WIMS. I also realized that I am a young, highly emotional, rather stupid idealist. I like that, and hate it all at once. I try so hard to be the wizened old soul, but in truth I am a "new soul." I'm full of wonder and curiosity, I'm naive and stupid. I'm going to mess up, I'm going to fall on my face. I'm going to have moments where I look up to the sky and just scream "Why Me!?" I'm probably going to write some stupid post about how much I am feeling sorry for myself. But y'know what else I realized? That's okay. I don't actually have to be happy all the time because I am human and no one needs me to be happy ALL the time. I have every right to have an occasional pity party. And even in the "depths of despair" there's always something to laugh at. I've always known these things so maybe I didn't learn anything new, but I definitely needed a refresher's course. I can't control the people around me. I can't decide how the react to me, see me, or what they say to me. I can control me though. I can control How I react to them, and can choose how much power over me they all have.

In short (yeah right) I've had to accept the fact that I am still young. I'm not the other girls around me. I'm me and I've always been slow to learn certain things, life lessons being one of those things. I have a long way to go before I stop being an idiot and that's okay.

So for future reference if I seem to be WIMS-ing, just go along with it, or skip that post. Someday I'll do this less- possibly. The thing is it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to. But I promise not to cry for so long...

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