A week ago I had never been kissed. A week ago my voice hadn't given out on me and I wasn't on vocal rest. A week ago I was still comfortably living under the delusion that my heart was unclaimed. A week ago I wasn't questioning everything I said or did around a certain person. A week ago I was still wondering if I was good enough for the task that had been given to me. A week ago I was still wondering what I wanted to do with my life, unsure of the path I should take. A week ago I didn't realize that I mattered to many more people than I thought. A week ago I wasn't wishing I mattered a lot more to one person in particular. A lot can happen in a week.
There are many things I want in life, but the big things, the ones that have been around for as long as I can remember are these: I want to fall madly in love with someone completely wonderful who thinks I am heaven on earth, and I want to sing. That's it. It's not too much to ask for right? So then why on earth do I keep falling for someones who turn out to be really un-wonderful? I know better by now. I knew from day one where this would lead: nowhere, with me in tears. But I dropped my guard for a hot second, after months of denial, and bam! Suddenly I was making mixes of stupid love songs and curling my hair everyday and wearing way too much eye makeup and saying things to people like "oh if we ever had kids those kids would have the greatest hair in the world." I was already riding a life high, and then this came along and for a few days things were even better, even if he was the only one who didn't notice how nice I looked. He'd say something, or would flash that stupid grin and I'd get all weak in the knees and start proclaiming to a very select group of (really wonderful) people how his eyes controlled the unicorns and he smelled like Christmas and puppies. Then a discussion came up (while I was, um, not supposed to be talking at all because I am on vocal rest) about some of his less wonderful qualities and turns out they were a LOT less wonderful than I had bargained for. And the worst part is I knew all along this would happen, it always does.
And as much as I want to sit and wallow in silent depression, I have a job to do, and it is one I love with every fibre of my being. One that I realized I was born for. Despite all my reservations about my own abilities, I realized this is who I am. I am great at what I do, passionate, and I throw myself into it 110%, not because I have to but because I want to. This is what gives me joy and makes me feel like there is magic and wonder in the world still. And despite the burning sensation in my throat I cannot wait to get back into it and be my absolute best. Because on stage, when I am focused and in the zone, I am beautiful and the best I can possibly be. And there is almost nothing in the world that can beat that feeling. Almost.
So I keep on smiling. I keep on being the morale police and posting inspiring quotes each day to keep my cast mates as enthused as me. I get in the zone, I focus, I throw myself in 120%, and maybe when it comes time for me to sing about being so utterly heartbroken I can't see straight, it's just a little more moving than normal. Because that's what I do. I take what I feel and pour it all out on a stage night after night so that for just a few moments everyone in the room can feel exactly what I feel surging through their own hearts. And knowing that helps to ease the sadness. Others have felt this before, and more will feel it in the future. Because that is what performing is, taking your experiences and using them to remind each person watching that at the core we are all the same. We all want somethings and each of us let our hearts guide us to the experiences that define who we are. And somehow all this has taught me what defines me; a passion for life, a desire for my best, an indomitable spirit, a silver lining seeker, a strong fighter, and someone who will always love with her whole heart. I'm okay with that.
But to end on a high note (pun completely intended!) here is a video of doing what I absolutely love. And yes. If you were wondering, Yes. ;-)