Teeeheeeheeee

I thought I'd post this before I forget. This is my infamous cookie from the Barrett-Hogeland and the Token Asian cookie par-tay. For your enjoyment:




See it quite literally said "Merry Eff-mas". Though admitedly the a is mas got screwed up.

Happy New Year!

It's the end of the world as we know it.

Holy cow! It's the official last day of the year! Yay! Last New Years Eve was spent at Disneyland, or was intended to, but by 7pm we were pooped so we drove home and watched the ball drop on TV. I have been to Times Square on New Years and let me tell you, it smells and there is far too much groping for my taste. But it's great fun if you're with your sis and two best friends who are really more like your sisters. I've also spent New Years at Disneyland (and actually made it through the day). Not cool. Well really it was just that particular day and the particular folks who were there that day, and the particular fact that some genius wore flip flops and it rained and then started to get hypothermia and almost died that night. Not really, so much as I almost felt like dying. So usually I just stay home. I'm the world's biggest homebody actually. I mean I like to go out, but I get claustrophobic (which is why the thought of coal mines and caves literally makes me want to cry and have a panic attack) and I don't like big crowds and I really hate useless noise (there's enough at home anyways). SO tonight I'll be living it up with some French Champagne, and my family. But I do really like New Years. It's a time to reflect and evaluate, and look back with fondness and sadness. So here's the recap for the Year of 2008:

(I'm having a horrible time remembering this year....)

Let's see So I don't remember much about the beginning of this year. I think my evil grandparents came for a visit, nope that was the year before, because I was still working at the church! Oh I remember this year! I was depressed. How jolly! No but really I was in a fink and had finally started to emerge from it. Let's see, I got a "job" working at a tutoring centre as a music teacher, then turns out the guy never intended on paying any of us, so I left, then school started and I took Chatterjee's class. Wow. Chatterjee changed me forever. It was English 1B and we read Kafka, Freud, some feminist poetry, as well as some love poetry that he interpreted as being all about Oedipal sex. First off I hated that man, secondly, that was possibly one of the most hilariously annoying classes known to man. Thirdly Freud was a wanker and I do not need therapy because I have memories from before I was two. I don't think I have ever been as outspoken in a class before! I'm not even kidding you that class will go down in the Ashley Barrett hall of fame. What' sad is that I actually enjoyed reading Kafka. Granted it was deranged, and retarded, and slightly disturbing, but the stories were enjoyable in a deranged and slightly disturbing way. I actually really enjoyed reading the Penal Colony. And that was my favourite paper that I wrote too. Then came the English 1B students vs. Chatterjee the douche bag, shouting match of '08. Wow that was a fun day and it was all me and my crocheting's fault! Chatterjee swore to never again teach 1B, and some dude finally let him have it, which resulted in the last two weeks of class being cancelled, and Chatterjerk's ego, id, and unconscious all being bruised. Then he gave me a friggin B. Intermixed with this I started working in my dad's office, and had some retarded drama, which was 99.9 1/2% my fault and .1/2% the other party's fault. Also I was in choir and actually enjoyed it. Then I grew up. That was the biggy. Like the major biggy. I came out of hibernation and re awoke the brat inside me. Well I began this process at least. And it was the good brat. Also I got really into french fashion at this point. Then Summer came. I watched alot of movies and made both Netflix, and Blockbuster very rich. And I discovered surfing, and how much I love it. Then we went to Portland and I almost died of loving it so much. And I peirced my nose! Then life went on and I worked, I turned 21 and then school started, which was a joke, then I almost died in a car accident, had several epiphanies, then I dropped 90% of my classes, and figured out my plan for life. And then school went on and I thought it would never end, and I decided that speech is the most useless class ever created. Then I lost a butt load of weight.

So here we are at the end of the year. My Christmas was lovely! We got a wii and I am fairly convinced that wiifit is trying to kill me. However we have mastered Rock Band and are superfly rock stars now. Also I have no ability to play Mario Kart, which is okay, but highly frustrating. AND!!!!!! My parents gave me money for a down payment on a car!!!! I still have to save a lot of money before I can buy one, but still that was pretty ace.

So I've made my resolutions and am really excited to see was 2009 brings!

I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe New Year!

Tootles!

It's a Festivus Miracle!

Wait when did it get to be December 24th? I mean wasn't it just the 15th? I swear that as I get older the days get shorter and shorter and I have no recollection of where they're going. That or I'm a narcoleptic and have just been sleeping them away.

Funny story time:

Friday I was working in the morning and my dad had some clients come in and he wanted me to make coffee. So I, being the good daughter/gopher did so and snuck into his office where the coffee maker is and began to pour the water into the coffee maker. Now the clients who were there are ancient and really old fogy-ish. We love it when they call us to help them get online to do the class that all our clients are required to take, because I swear we've had to explain what the mouse was on their computer. Anyhoodles, I was pouring the water into the coffee maker and Mrs. old lady client turns around and says "Oh my goodness! I thought the wall was leaking! I didn't hear you come in!" Now in a normal world with normal people, and with myself being normal I would have responded thusly: "Oh dear me, Mrs. Old lady client, I didn't intent to frighten or alarm you! I guess I must have snuck in here!" what I actually said was this: "well that's cuz I'm a ninja." A Ninja. For real. what was really bad was the fact that I didn't even think before I said it so I have no idea where it came from. She stared at me like I'd just grown a horn out of my forehead, not that I blame her. So then Friday night me and my family went to LA to go see Wicked, which was FEE-nominal! And no we didn't see any celebrities, however we did find Jewishville and since it was the sabbath they were all getting out of Synagogue and as we saw one running down the street Michael yelled "Dude it's a rabbi!" Which was horribly insensitive so naturally we all laughed. And Fraser kept going on about seeing all the "jewishs". I told him he should grown out his sideburns like all the other little boys cuz then he'd be a chick magnet. Anyways, we went down to the Grove to eat and the wait was too long so we decided to come back after the show. In the mean time we walked around the grove and the farmers market and had a jolly good time. So we saw the show and we all loved it! well sort of. I sat next to Fraser. Normally this is fine because I just bop his head and he shuts up, but Fraser has this little quirk where he can't seem to give up on something that is bothering him. So when Elphaba tells Galinda that her sister is lame (in the biblical sense) and it's because of Elphaba, and how their mother was forced to chew the white milk flowers so as not to make the girl green, and somehow it managed to hurt her sister and kill her mother, Fraser couldn't get over why milk flowers would kill you. The ENTIRE REST OF THE SHOW was spent listening to him say "but Ash How would milk flowers kill someone???" never mind that I've never heard of milk flowers or any subsidiary thereof, but he wanted to know the answer. So I ended up giving him a lecture on how it was just a show, a play, suspension of disbelief, the fourth wall is broken, and IT'S JUST A SHOW!!!!!!!! SO then after the show there was a funny mishap involving seating arrangements in the two cars we brought and ended up with me, Fraser, Eric, Delaney all crammed into the three seats in the back of Michael's car and Bri getting us lost, and me getting us unlost, and me discovering my new favourite Deli called Shmulie's. I haven't had the food, but anything called Shmulie's that serves Glat Kosher food had got to be brilliant. Then we went back to the grove and ate at the cheesecake factory. Now I realize that I live in Riverside, and mostly it sucks. I mean for real, I pretty much hate almost everything about it. But we are by no means hicks here in the inland empire (yes that is what they call us....). I'm sure there are some hick-ish people, but I am not one of them nor do I associate with them. So there we are going up the escalator to the dinning area of the restaurant (only in LA), and Creepy Host Guy and I start to play, "after you, no after you", and he ended up in front of me on said escalator. "So, uh, what's this party for?" he asks me. I smiled and told him that this was actually just my family going out to dinner and no we are not Mormon, or catholic. He chuckled. "Oh so you just going to dinner at midnight?" I smiled. "No we all just went and saw Wicked as a family thing for Christmas, and we didn't have the chance to eat before."

CHG: "Oh so you guys are locals?" (let me interject a WTF here. WTF? For real? We don't say locals in CA. so clearly you are not from here, and thus you are probably a half starving failed actor who is working as a host in the cheesecake factory, so please do not speak to me, k' thanks)

A: "Well we live in Riverside, unfortunately"

CHG laughs.

CHG:"So do they have Cheesecake factories in Riverside?" Because being and hour and 45mins. from LA means that we have nothing of modern life at all.

A: "Well we're still waiting for a pharmacy..." Chuckles.

CHG:" Really?!"

A:"No. Your speaking rights have been revoked, so please shut up now." I thought that last part.

For real? My mom thinks he was just flirting with me, and while I do realize how utterly ab fab I am and how some people have a hard time with coherency in my presence, really? I mean seriously if I had been trying to flirt with someone I wouldn't insult/assume such lameness from the place that they live. Who asks a question like that? Anyways, I thought it was funny, and all in all we had a very fun and lovely time, and I remembered how much I absotively LOVE LA! I have decided that I am going to move to Korea town, because that would be cool and the prices for apartments are pretty ace.

Anyways Sunday we had Sarah, Charissa and Jess over for the first ever Barrett-Hogeland and the token Asian Cookie baking par-tay. It was much fun and I proved to be a four year old when I made a hand shaped cookie (why we have a hand cookie cutter I'll never know) and folded down all but the middle finger then frosted it with the saying "merry Eff-mass" on it and bright red nail polish (it was frosting not real nail polish) . It was mostly amazing. I have pictures somewhere, but who knows where they are.

Yesterday was the Office x-mas par-tay, which was all sorts of lame. I made cookies and they were devoured. We all exchanged gifts too. I got the head attorney around here who is really into Harley Davidson crap. I'm not. In fact I'm about as far from being into Harley Davidson crap as you can be. So I got him a Harley desk calendar and made him a big huge thing of cookies. The only other thing he wrote on his gift slip was that he needed socks and ties. I got a $20 gift card to Target, so that's awesome, except the lady who got me couldn't spell my name. I mean it's not that hard a name to spell. I wanted to spell it like this when I was little: Ashleigh, but my parents just went with generic: Ashley, which is fine, cuz either way it's not me and sucks. But the lady who got me kept spelling it Ashleigh. I didn't write that on my slip, so why would you assume that someone spells their name the most bizarre spelling instead of the generic. Unless I did spell it like that on my slip to be a butt-head, which is entirely possible.....

Okay so I'm out of stories for the moment. Have a very Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, Saturnalia, or whatever the crap you celebrate and remember:

Saturnalia is the reason for the season. Jesus is the reason for everyday.

BTW I have that copyrighted.

Merry Christmas!

Knives would feel really good if they were to be stuck in my back.

I want to die.


I'm just sayin....

Mostly I'm just in alot of pain. My "back" is killing me. Take what you can from that. I have gone to the health food store across the street and bought a "back" and other problems medicated mouth spray that tastes like poo, and heating pads, that aside from being absolutely disgustingly sticky, burns like hell fire and doesn't seem to be actually helping my "back" problems. It's very frustrating and thus I now and tired and a little grouchy (but not much) and would just like to curl up in my bad and dream of lovely things in a world without "back" problems. But alas I have to sit at my computer and type up Proofs of Service and tell complaining clients to go take a chill pill or I will unleash the wrath of my "back" pains on them. So I am trying to stay focused on the positives. Like the fact that I NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK TO RCC!!!!! and that MY SPEECH CLASS IS OVER!!!! My final was interesting. We had 100 multiple choice questions, and then 50 true/false questions, and four essay questions. I only did three of them, mostly because I just didn't care. But here's the thing, all the essay questions were things we'd already done in class and turned in or discussed. So I was like this is dumb. One of them was to come up with a relationship in our lives and using these 15 guidelines for how to suck up and never insult anyone we had to prove whether said relationship was healthy or unhealthy. When we did this in class I used my mom and so I didn't really want to use her again, but I also didn't really want to discuss anything else in my life, because I didn't like her and she had no business knowing my crap. So I used a character from my book and talked about what a healthy relationship we had and totally made up all these things we do together as proof of our healthy relationship. It was awesome. Then the next question was that we had to think of a conflict we'd dealt with in our past, or were currently dealing with and decide which of the ways to deal with conflict were the best. When we did this before in class, and spent the whole class time discussing it!, I used a family member who inspired this post, so eat crap beyotch. Anyhoodles, instead of using a real life problem, I again used a character from my book and told all about the time when she and I were mad at each other because our communication wasn't so hot due to the fact that there was all this misunderstanding and basically it was a glorious piece of fiction. *I would just like to interject here that I apologize to my co-worker Jess for being in such a winey and complainy mood. I promise to be all sunshine and lollipops with a hint of rainbow tomorrow* Anyways the point is I really, really, really don't even care about that class! And it's over!!!! so yay! Oh also It's raining. There was a storm that came in on Monday and it poured and poured and poured and poured. The pre-storm waves on Sunday were pretty good, until about noon. I only got one really good ride, which was also sadly my first ride. The water was cold, but the air was colder and really windy so that was fun. I don't own a wetsuit, which is normally fine-ish (the only problem with that is that my swimsuit is not really surfing friendly, so there are always some wardrobe malfunctions that have to be fixed and arranged (mostly arranged) in order for me to continue surfing). I went out into the water once and decided it was too cold then I sucked it up and drove under a wave and was perfectly fine. Until I got out. Then I was a little cold, but whatever, I got dressed and we went on our merry way. Except then I felt really sick. Then I had a fever. Then I spent the night throwing up and feeling like poop. But all in all it was worth it, because we had a ton of fun and saw Twilight again. So that was cool. anyhoodles another storm came in yesterday and it has yet to stop raining all day! I'm loving it and everyone else is hating it!

I have more things to say, but my mental capacity is crap right now and I think I need to go barf.

I had the weirdest dream last night....

I had a baby who was dying and my husband (who was very good looking mind you) was sitting on a bench outside the incubator room in the hospital (I'm sure they have another name, but I don't know it.), and I was standing at the window bawling my eyes out, when there was suddenly this old Irish Lady next to me (she came out of nowhere) and she proceeded to tell me that my baby was going to be fine, but if I didn't take care of myself I wouldn't be. Then she told me that my son was going to grow up and be a doctor, and he'd have curly hair and marry a girl named June. And she said that I was going to have twin boys next (which scared the crap out of me). Then I noticed a younger man next to her. And then they were gone (like poofed into nothing). And then my baby started to breathe on his own and I started screaming at my husband to wake up, because it was going to be okay.

That's when I woke up. Weird huh? So here are my thoughts on this dream:

First this confirms that I will have all boys, if I ever have children. This is a very long story, that I really don't want to write out, so just know that I have been cursed (or blessed?) that I will only have boys. Also I learned that my subconscious should never choose names for people. That poor baby was named Calvin. Who names their kid Calvin? Apparently me in my dreams. Thirdly, let me elaborate on my husband: ................................................................ <------- that equals there are no typable sounds that are appropriate to describe his gloriousness.... Like No Joke! He was incredible! So I am completely open to meeting this man and marrying him, however, how horrible a dream to have! I mean really! It wasn't a nightmare, because everything was okay, but I wouldn't exactly call it a good dream. If this was some snippet of my future then I want out (except for the really hot hubby I'll keep that part)! I asked the lady at one point if I was being punished for being too happy (not that I even believe that happens) and she was all no deary this is just another thing to add to your happiness. What the hell is that supposed to mean. Also I'm fairly convinced that she was supposed to be an angel. As well as that other dude with her. Now I fully believe in angels and I'm even pretty sure I had a conversation with one, though I'm sure everyone else would think I'm nuts. Of course I was eight when it happened and I could have totally hallucinated the whole thing, since I've always had an overactive imagination. But that lady told me exactly what would happen, and it did happen, so take that doubters. Ironically it was also in a hospital in regards to a dying baby, but it was my sister Dee, and the details were very different. Anyways so I find this whole thing very, very disturbing. Except when I woke up I wasn't even freaked out about it. I was just like okay so that's gonna kinda suck to deal with, but hey it's going to be okay, so there's no need to worry about it. The only other semi-logical explanation I have is that the dream is a representation for my career as a musician, with the baby representing my career which will be failing and I'll be stressing myself out and convinced of the worst until suddenly someone comes along and says, it's going to be fine, you're going to be fine, and then my career will start breathing and take off! Of course that's using Freudian theory to determine the meaning of my dream and since I like to think that Freud was a wanker and an addict (oh wait he was), I'm not really sure I can justify this theory. Of course someone could have spiked my coffee last night too.

On the plus side, I got the feeling that the old Irish Lady was my guardian angel, and if that's the case I am so stoked! I knew there was a reason I love Ireland so much! The other dude I'm not sure who he was, maybe Calvin's angel? I don't know, but I do know I should probably drink less coffee before I go to sleep.

After I told this dream and my theories to Chel and Dee, Dee told me about her dream last night, that she woke up and wrote down because of it's craziness, which involved my dating Rob Pattinson, him asking her when he should ask me to marry him, us suddenly being married, but it's years later and Dee is still in Jr. high, and her being at church and having a conversation with all her friends about the hotness of my husband, then having him pick her up from church while the other little Jr. high girls stared and squealed. Oh and he and I lived in a castle with my Volvo parked in front. So apparently we all had spiked coffee last night....

Dee just told me that the thing that sucked was that even in her dreams I get Rob Pattinson. Well that's what you get for being this cool....

Well in other news It's supposed to rain today and Monday and there is going to be super wondrous 6 foot waves tomorrow so we're all heading down to Oceanside for the night so we can go surfing tomorrow.

Have a lovely weekend and beware of coffee spikers.....

Really? A Looney Bin? Wow....

So last night I went to a concert.

It was good. It was a choir concert. I was supposed to be in this choir, but couldn't because of all the other classes I was taking. But I promised to go to said concert when I had to drop the class. So I went to the concert. The concert was lovely. Everyone did great. There were some soprano issues, but I lived through them, and overall was very impressed and proud of the friends of mine who were in the group. I said "hi" and "great job", and did the whole congrats thing. Then I started to leave. Up walk former friend X and former friend Z. Now you should note that they were not yet former friends at this point, though I have not heard from them since I had to drop the class I was in with them.
X gives me a hug. "Hey! Ash! Wow! You look good, How are you?" I smiled feeling just slightly confused by Friend X's manner.
A:"um, I'm good. Thanks. How are you guys?" I give Z a hug. Z smiles at me very concerned.
Z:"Well we're all fine, but how are you?" I again feel confused.
A:"I'm good. Like I said. So what's new?"
X: "nothing much. So how long have you been back?"
Z: "yeah I mean last we knew you didn't know when they'd let you go."
By this time I was just staring at them.
"what are you talking about?"
Z: "well y'know... The whole thing after your accident. I don't blame you. I'd have been pretty F***ed up too."
X: "so how long have you been out?"
A: "out of what?"
X: "the hospital?"
A: "I never went to the hospital. I mean I didn't need to go. I just had some gnarly bruises and a few small cuts. no biggy."
Z: "no we know that. The other hospital?" I just stared with my mouth hanging open rather unattractively.
A:"I have no idea what the hell you are talking about."
X:"The hospital they sent you too. Y'know after your breakdown."
Okay now I know that Mr. Stupid-Ass-Douche-Bag teacher told people that I had a breakdown and had to quit the class because of it. I was well aware of this. But come to find out after he announced this it became a rumor and travelled from person to person and ended up being that I had to be institutionalized because I went nutso! No joke people. This is my life. So I ended up having to set the record straight and telling them that no I have not been institutionalized, nor do I plan on it in the near future. I have also decided that I need new friends. Because if I had heard that I had been institutionalized I would have called to find out what was going on with them, and what happened and IF IT WAS EVEN TRUE! So I left and started my drive home, feeling angry and mad, and wanting to go punch something, when I had a thought. None of this would have happened if Mr. Stupid-Ass-Douche-Bag teacher had just told people the truth, which was that I got behind in my classes and had decided that my life path just didn't include ugly matching dresses, so I decided to leave. So then, because I was too angry to go straight home, I went to Target to go buy more music to satisfy my angry pain. And when I was in Target I suddenly realized why he told people these things that led to my rumored psycoticness. He was mad that I left. Mad because he knew I was good, and possibly better than everyone else. No I'm not being cocky or arrogant. There is a fine line between confidence in your abilities and divaness, I am so not a diva. I am however incredibly, and a tad ridiculously talented. And he wanted me to be his protege. Well guess what? Eat my crap. Because I do not belong to you. I am me, and I am sure as hell going to do whatever the hell I want to do. you have NO say in my life or what I choose to do, so go deal with it. And you're jealous because unlike you, I have what it takes to make it as something, something big, someone huge. And you can just watch as I go make my life something great, while you sit in your class and wish you could be me. And that is why I am done with school. I have to be at RCC one more day and then no more. And I will be in LA and I will be amazing, and you will not, so there.

Okay so justified anger aside I have one question. How does this crap happen to me? Like for real? What did I do to the universe to make this kind of crap follow me like a magnet? I mean I do find it all slightly amusing. Who else on this planet get a rumor started about her that she's in the looney bin? Oh that would be no one but yours truly. Man I can't wait to see what kind of crap people come up with when I'm a celebrity.....

And I Quote:

Ashley's Ten quotes of the day

(Or how to write a post when your brain is to confuddled to actually write a post)

A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.

Lord Byron

For truth is always strange; stranger than fiction.

Lord Byron

That's the way things come clear. All of a sudden. And then you realize how obvious they've been all along.

Madeleine L'Engle

A little kingdom I possess, where thoughts and feelings dwell; And very hard the task I find of governing it well.

Louisa May Alcott

s are so queer you never know what they mean. They say No when they mean Yes, and drive a man out of his wits for the fun of it.

Louisa May Alcott

Imagination is the real and eternal world of which this vegetable universe is but a faint shadow. William Blake

No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible.

W. H. Auden

Music hath charms to soothe a savage breast, To soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak.

William Congreve

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. Ingrid Bergman

Who so loves believes the impossible.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

It snows in China

Gracie: (upon seeing Ashley return from her walk) Um you are taking me for a walk.

Ashley: (not really wanting to take grace on a walk) Um no I am not.

Gracie: Please! I want to see the houses!!

Ashley: The houses you see everyday?

Gracie: But it is gettin' late! the lights are on!

Ashley: (Realizing that Grace wants to go see xmas lights, which Ashley loves as well) Fine. Go get your shoes.

Gracie: (wearing her fuzzy pink boots) Okay! let's go!

The players begin a walk down their street pointing to the pretty lights

Gracie: I like Cwismas.

Ashley: me too! I like how cold it gets

Gracie: Oh yeah! and it's going to be soooo cold and Santa's going to come to our house and it's going to snow!

Ashley: No silly! It doesn't snow here!

Gracie: It snows in China!

Ashley: oh really?

Gracie: and we are going to China for Cwismas!!!

Ashley: oh really?

Gracie: yes! I met Santa!

Ashley: Yeah I know! Did you tell him what you want for Christmas?

Gracie: duh! I want pink stuff and a dog.

Ashley: that's it? pink stuff and a dog? nothing else?

Gracie: Hmmm (putts finger on lips and taps her chin) yes. I weally want a very lovely blue cup.

Ashley: A very lovely blue cup?

Gracie: yes. oh hold on! ( runs to sign post and holds it as she begins to kick her legs and "streatch" her arms)

Ashley: What the crap are you doing?

Gracie: I'm ex-a-sizing.

Ashley: that's it, let's go home! You're weird.

Gracie: I know. (shruggs shoulders and starts to sing santa clause is coming to town except she doesn't know the words or the tune)


Adventures with Grace. And I really love Christmas!

Something to make me melt....

To MSG

When I dream that you love me, You'll surely forgive;

Extend not your anger to sleep;

For in visions alone your affection can live-

I rise, and it leaves me to weep

Then Morpheus! envelope my faculties fast.

Shed o'er me your languor benign;

Should the dream of tonight but resemble the last,

what rapture celestial is mine!

They tell us that slumber, the sister of death,

Mortality's emblem is given;

To fate how I long to resign my frail breath

If this be the foretaste of Heaven!

Ah! frown not, sweet lady, unbend your soft brow,

Nor deem me to happy in this;

If I sin in my dream, I atone for it now

Thus doomed but to gaze upon bliss.

Though in visions, sweet lady, perhaps you may smile,

Oh! think not my penance deficient!

When dreams of your presence my slumbers beguile,

To awake would be torture sufficient

~Lord Byron~

I have a feeling I'm going to post like a million posts today

So I'm just warning you.

I just got off the phone with Amazon.com. Why was I on the phone with Amazon.com? Oh that would be because they signed me up for a shipping deal in which I get free shipping on all my purchases. The catch? I pay them 79.00$ per month for this sweet little deal.... How is it free shipping when I'm paying them money so that I can have free shipping? Don't get me wrong I love Amazon, but really? That's just not kosher.

ADD is not good for blogging

Here are the possible titles I played around with as I formulated this blog in my head:

"Why you should not drink coffee and drive in the car with my father"

"My legs look like asparagus"

"Really California? You can't be cold for more than a day?"

"Adventures in taking pictures by the pool"

"I'm either pregnant or starving myself"

"Dear Old Navy, why have you been holding out on me?"

"Reason # 365 why Rob Pattinson is my perfect man"

"My bangs are crooked, how did this happen?"

"How hard is it to remember my name is Ashley, not Amy or Amanda?"

"My return to heels"

"Yes, I do actually think you are that stupid"

"Why do people who lose loved ones take it out on Christmas?"

"Watch as Ashley eats her words about people taking losing loved ones out on Christmas"

"Wow. I am a callous bitch and I fail at life"

"Joy to the world, my computer is fried"

"Why Charlotte "Chuck" Charles is my homegirl"

"I bet I wouldn't have to make copies if I worked at Starbucks"

"I promise this post contains only one rant"

"Why tuna kicks pb&j in the ass"

"If my sister wakes up dead tomorrow, I promise it's justifiable homicide"

"Why I should not share a room with my sister # 8 million"

"Holy Crap! How is already Monday?"

"This post has a 97% chance of offending you"

"20 reasons why I'm going to hell."

"Yes I do actualy have moral standards"

"The word is pronounced AK-Tuoo-All-ee, not akshley"

So That pretty much sums up my weekend. Monday. I'm not generally a "oh I hate Mondays" kinda person. Usually I feel kinda meh about them. Whatevs, It's just a day. But today I am really not into being at work. On the plus side I look adorable!










And this is why my legs look like asparagus. And see those shoes. I love them. I bought them at Old Navy, who's shoes have never impressed me that much, but there are three airs that I absolutly adore! I'm going back to buy the other two tonight. Here's a close up of said shoes:



I love them with a deep and burning passion! And they are sooooo comfortable. It's crazy. I've worn them all day and my feet to do not ache at all! So yay!

Anyways. I had alot of really funny and horribly hilarious things to say, but I just don't have the energy. And I'm on my 3rd cup o coffee, but since caffine has no effect (and I'm not actually joking about that) on me, I still feel groggy and hazy. On the plus side, it's an overcast day afterall, even though it was pretty sunny this morning.

Just a quickie...

And yes everything I say can be turned into something dirty if you try hard enough....

Anyhoodles So remember this post? Yeah the one where I informed everyone that I had lost 35 lbs? Well a few days after that I had lost another two lbs, then sometime last week during Thanksgiving I gained one lbs back, then on this past Wednesday I had dropped that damn pound and another 3, which would have made my total 40 lbs. Cool. Except that I weighed myself today and I had lost another 2 lbs since Wednesday! Yahoo!!!! 42 pounds!!!!!!! At least that's what my math defuct brain got. Correct me if I'm wrong. Point is that I am very happy and excited! Yay!

I have a real post in the workings, so just hold tight.

Tootles!

This is why we have no friends

My mom is the shizz. No really she is. She just got a facebook, which is all sorts of lame, but I've forgiven her and made it my personal goal in life to embarrass the hell out of her via her facebook. So here's our last few conversations.

Ashley Barrett wrote
at 8:41am on December 3rd, 2008
So today in the shower I was reminicing while
I tried not to kill myself (it was shaving day AND I managed to drop a bottle of
shampoo on my foot and break a blood vessle in my toe. But where is my Vampire
to rescue me? With my luck he probably died on the way to save me...). I was
thinking of days of yore when we used to be nutters with the exception of me.
Did you know that I got 10 points knocked off a paper once for writing "women
unite" on the back? I'm not even a feminist, but them thar teachers must have
been afeard of my awesomness in infulencing their children and it made me
remember being blamed for the awakening of other such children and made me
wonder why I was not blamed for more disfunction. My daughter got knocked up?
It's Ashley's fault! My son tattooed his arm? It's Ashley's evil influence! I
mean really. With as much trouble as I was in in High School, it's no wonder
people thought I was the spawn of satan. of course that makes you satan, but
whatevs.

Ashley Barrett wrote
at 8:48am on December 3rd, 2008
Anyways in conjuntion with my thoughtage
about life in yesteryear I compiled a christmas list for you finally. Now please
believe that I am DEAD serious about all items on this list. So here it
goes:
1. A spiffy new Denim jumper. The American version. A denim sweater
would be uncomfotable and really impractical.
2. New white platform Tennies.
I'd prefer them with those sqiggly lace things for ease and convenience. besides
if I had to bend over to tie them a boy might see my backside and get the wrong
idea about what kind of girl I am.
3. A horse. 'nuff said.
4. Music,
prefferably without a syncopated beat. So have fun trying to find that since it
doesn't actually exist. Actually it does. No not really. See Rap is the only
"music" without a syncopated rythm, but it has no melody line, thus violating
the 5 elements of music, which includes having a beat.

Ashley Barrett wrote
at 9:04am on December 3rd, 2008
Take three:

5. Scrunchies, cuz apprently hair bands are evil. While we're
at it though can I get a perm?
6. Okay and I know that this is almost evil,
but I really, really want it. Can I please get my ears peirced? For the fifth
time? Yes fifth. Remember? I have three earring holes and a cartilage piercing.
But PLEASE!!!!! It's not like I want to pierce my belly button or worse yet my
nose...oops...
In all seriousness though All I really want for christmas is
music (with a beat. I figure Jesus already forgave all my sins so I guess it'll
be okay to continue listening to music with a beat, which btw includes gergorian
chants, because it's not music without a beat...), and Rob Pattinson, so there
ya have it. I could use a car too... But I think the number one thing that other
people will want for you to give me is an exorcism. Comming next Hallowe'en: The
Exorcism of Ashey Barrett. She had Beauty, Friends, Love, and Innocence, But all
that changed the day of the rock concert....

Stephanie Barrett
wrote at 12:07am yesterday
You are one of the reasons I have no friends. If
it's not me offending them (cause dragons are really not real!), it's sure to be
you offending them! So as for your Christmas list (the real one), what music?
You need to give me specifics. And I'm not buying you a car. If you will
remember, you totalled the last one! Buy your own car. You have a job. As for
Rob Pattinson,you'll have to work that one out on your own. Audition for a part
in New Moon. You could be one of the Volturi or you could be a really pale
Quileute and be Leah. Then you can meet him.

Ashley Barrett wrote
at 11:28am yesterday

You think of me as Leah???? Wow mom, I feel the love.
You know I'm sooooo Jane. Actually I think I'd make a good Jane. she'd short and
has dark hair, plus the whole she loves seeing people in the pain she causes
them. I can see it all now.....(insert swirly effect for daydream)....

Ashley: Wow this Jane chick has really got the hots for
Edward.

Rob: What? How did you come to that conclusion? She's kind of
evil.

A: Yes on the surface, but look deeper into her pain. Y'know
I spent a month in a Turkish torture prison to prepare for this role?

R: Really? That's dedication. But how do you know she has the
hots for Edward?

A: Well it's a part of her character that I don't really want
to disclose, but for you I guess I can. See what happened is that Jane saw
Edward once and liked him, but he was all, 'hey get off my back crazy torture
chick. I'm in pain and all emo, I don't need any of your sadisticness added to
me.' So then Jane decided that she was pissed off by this......to be
cont

Ashley Barrett wrote
at 11:40am yesterday

A:(cont.) So she's all y'know what homeboy, you're gonna pay.
So when Aro asks her to test out her gift on Bella and then uses it on Edward
it's not because she's all evil, it's pay back. But see Edward can hear her
thoughts and as she keeps thinking of her desire for him, he's like whoa this
chick has it bad, I'd better get Bella out of here before she goes really nutso.
But the catch is that Edward know he's really in love with Jane, cuz y'know I'm
like so much hotter than her and all, so they have this affair, that only
happens when Edward goes off "hunting".

R: Really? you got all that from the ten pages she's
in?

A: That's cuz I'm cool like that.

R: Wow Ashley, you really are all that and a bucket of
chicken. Would you marry me?

A: Are you really asking or just projecting Edward's true
love of Jane onto my awesomness? (to be continued again stupid
facebook)

Stephanie Barrett
wroteat 11:44am yesterday

You do know that you are insane!

Ashley Barrett wrote
at 11:52am yesterday

R:Wow you really know me. You're my other half, y'know, and
since we're both the last romantics on the planet let's go off and get married
and live in the middle of nowhere in a tiny cabin fueld by a wood stove and our
love. And we'll be passionate our whole lives, and write craptastic poetry to
eachother and make beautiful music.

A: *melts on the floor then solidifys and begins the make-out
scene*

Annnnnnd scene!

And this is how I fell in love with Rob Pattinson. It'll be
one of the chapters in my memoires titled Of Vampires and Debbussy: Being a
Romantic in a post modern world. And now you know why you have no friends,
because they all think I'm on a constant drip of liquid crack. Cuz me and Amy
Winehouse are like this *crosses fingers to signify our close crack addict
comradery*

So then we started chatting and it ended up revolving around my auditioning for the next Twilight film, driving crappy cars around Portland, and how to make homemade hot pockets since I refuse to eat the real things beacuse they are made with cheese food product and not real cheese and why there is a need for fake cheese is beyond me. Then they had the audacity to come out with the lean pockets, which I'm still trying to figure out how to make crap less crapfull. These are the things I think about at night. And somehow in the night my nose ring managed to pop out and I have no idea where the cheese food product, it is.

On a side note my co-worker Jessica came back from lunch and saw that I was blogging and said (and I quote) "Oh who are you ranting about today?" I think this really a horrible comentary on my blog's personality. Poor blog....

Six

Okey dokey, I was tagged by the loverly Charissa to post six of my favourite things and as always I over thought it. What exactly are my six favourite things? I mean I'm sure I like more than six things, and considering that there is no category how am I supposed to narrow it down? So after some hemming and hawing I just picked six things that I particularly love today. For your enjoyment:

6.

Skipping.

It makes me happy. I really love to skip down stairs, which being a klutz is very funny.

5.

Old Sheet Music

I know random, but I just love it! It makes me smile to think of a time before uniformed scoring. And some of it is just so beautiful!

4.

A really good cup of coffee!

3.

Christmas Trees!

The smell, the lights, the ornaments! I love anything Christmasy, but Christmas trees are just so beautiful!

2.

Old Bookstores.

I want to live here!

1.

Red Roses.

*Le Sigh*

Is there anything more beautiful than red roses? I think not

Well there ya go! I'm supposed to tag three others so here's the people who might actually read this and do it: Sarah, Jill, and Mom

How many people actually still use a rotary-dial phone?

Happy December! If anyone was thinking they would like to spend December in California let me help you re think that. It's supposed to be 82 today. Right now it's 72. I'm in shorts and tank. Welcome to California, enjoy the heat. I remember when I was little we re-wrote the song White Christmas to make it Red-hot Christmas. Yes I've gone swimming in our pool on Christmas day. We've also gone to the beach in December, the waves are choice, but there is something morally wrong with wearing bikinis in December, even if they are under wetsuits. Speaking of wetsuits my fam is all decking out to get their winter suits so that we can go surfing again. I haven't been in so long, and I do miss it a lot. I also miss Disneyland. I need to go soon. Christmas is my favourite time of year at Disneyland. All the lights and glitter and "snow" which is actually soap and a death trap. Trust me. there was an incident last year that involved me, a pair of flip-flops, a damn stroller, and slick pavement covered in "snow". I was bruised. Speaking of bruises did I mention my latest fatality? or fatalities I should say. Last Wednesday I sat funny in my chair and broke it. It would be a great story if it wasn't for the fact that the screw that held the chair together decided to make carne asada out of my thigh. So I have this awesome slice that extends from my mid-thigh to my bum cheek. It's also bruised around it. Then on Monday in an attempt to hook up speakers to Micheal's computer (because mine still sucks at life and I need my music), I dropped the big black thing that sits on top of it on my leg and cut it. It's bruised. I don't know what the crap that thing is either. I think it's a modem or something, but who knows. Then today, I was showering cuz it's what all the cool kids are doing these days, and I was shaving, cuz looking like an ape is so last millennium, and in an attempt to not create more carnage with my razor, I dropped my shampoo on my foot and burst a blood vessel in my toe. I didn't even know I had blood vessels in my toes, but apparently I do. Then as I was running out of the house this morning, I ran into a rose bush and sliced my arm. How do you run into a rose bush? I mean really? And on top of that I bruised my knee and have no idea how... my accident proneness is going to get me killed.

This is California in December.

In other ReallyAshleyYouStillHaven'tLearnedYourLessonAboutHair news I cut my hair. I had about an inch of dead uckiness (yes I said Ucky) that needed to go. I'm growing it out any ways and really impatient for it to just be long again. It was about two inches below my shoulder. It now hits the top of my shoulder. So that sucks kinda. My hair has also been kinda wild lately. Like super curly, wavy, frizzy and big. I don't know why but it's kinda got a life of it's own now, which is cool and all I guess, but seriously it needs to chill, because I'm starting to look like I have permanent sex hair. I'd probably better be careful if I go anywhere near University Avenue. Let's just say there's a lot of hotels with hourly rates down there.

So how was your Thanksgiving (by the by I think I deserve mad props for making that segue)? Mine was really wonderful and relaxing. I saw Twilight again after dinner, which was cool, cuz I actually watched the movie as opposed to Rob Pattinson's gloriousness this time. And there was some cribbage playing, which was just dumb because I got beat by my stupid 11 year old brother, who played for the first time. Beginners luck. But it was really nice.

I'm on the phone with the court and they keep telling me that I can press one now if I have a touch-tone phone. Why is there still a need for this announcement? I just don't understand. Oh By the by, In Style magazine's December issue has a spread on Jennifer Connelly's 10 best dresses and guess what, the horrible romper from the Haus de Von Trapp was not on there. I felt a little justified in my wrath of that piece of crap.

In other news school is almost over. Hallelujah, thank you Jesus! If I have to listen to much more of this, howtobuildahealthyrelationshipinwhichweallgababoutourfeelingsandemotionsand

neversteponanyonestoestoavoidconflictandhurtfeelings crap, I may go crazy. I mean here's the thing, I am a Romantic. Like a real bonefied, heart on my sleeve, craptacular poetry, passionate pain Romantic. I am all for the expressing of self and feelings. But there are some inevitabilities that people just need to learn and get over. Number one: life is going to be utterly ( I hate this word more than anything, but it's appropriate so get over it) shittastic at times. And no matter how long you "talk it out" it's not going to make life any better. Life takes action (and action takes Visa), not a pow-wow. And if you screw up and you need to know it, I am going to use you language to tell you that you are an idiot. I am not going to use I language so that it looks like I am taking the responsibility for your moronirific-ness. So don't tell me that I need to practice I language thankyouverymuch, why don't you practice not being an idiot? And the term social scientist really bothers me. You spend thousands of dollars on a top notch education so you could watch how people interact with each other? Really? I mean that's like majoring in fashion merchandising so you can go shopping. Call yourself a Social Studier. You don't need a scientist at the end to validate your existence. Not that your existence should be validated in my opinion. But that is a rant for another day.

In Novel News, it's coming along very nicely even without my computer (take that you rat bastard). I've been hand writing every day, which sucks but whatever. I had to keep taking breaks yesterday because I was at the really emotionally high point, and kept crying like an idiot as I wrote the dangd thing. Then when I read it to Chelsea I was like "okay chel so this is horribly, pitifully, romantically, painful (which btw is one of the themes of the story), so don't laugh, even if it's cheesy." Then She started bawling and I lost it and ended up finishing reading as mascara flowed down my face. Seriously I don't know my own power. Then because it was so incredibly, sweetly, depressing, I had to switch gears in the next segment and make everything dreamily happy. Except that turned out to be the main character's dream and in reality she was dying. So it was super fun. Actually it was. I'm not gonna lie, I love to cry. Y'know those horribly cheesy Christmas movies that all the TV channels start playing at the end of November? I even tear up at them. I know, I need help. But back to my story, don't worry cuz it's all good and happy in the end and actually with the new holycrapIthinkshemightdie scene it actually wraps up my original plan much nicer. And really it's very beautifully written. Any of the "other last Romantics" would approve.

Okay I swear I'll finish, but I had a musing in the shower this morning. I actually had several, but here's the one you all can hear. I really like being the oldest. Don't get me wrong it has it's draw backs. Like you never got away with anything, while the youngest gets away with murder (and trust me Grace is that evil), of having young parents which translates as idiots, so you couldn't do all the cooleriffic things everyone else you knew got to do, because they were evil and possibly works of the devil. But there are also a lot of perks too. I've been told that I am, and I quote, "annoyingly helpful", and the only people who seem to really appreciate that is my siblings. Lately Chel and Dee have been coming into my room while I'm writing, or picking my toenails or something, and they'll just shoot off all their problems and worries, and laments about boys. Now don't get any ideas mom, cuz I'm not a rat. But there are somethings that are just too embarrassing to tell your mother. I tell my mom everything, and I mean everything, but there are still plenty of things that I could never begin to tell her, because my blushing might make me burst. And sometimes it's good to try out your worries and concerns on someone else before you go to your mom with them. I never really had that. Most of the time I'd keep it all bottled up, until some horribly dramatic thing would make me burst and I'd look crazy. I told you I am a romantic. I still do this to a far lesser degree though. But I am the only one of all my sisters who could do that. I mean on a personality level. I can deal with it, and work it out on my own, for the most part, and move on. But I like to be able to help them. To give them sisterly advice, to tell them, it's okay because you are sixteen and expecting to meet your one true love in the next week is just retarded, so go date the stinkin' boy. I realize that this may seem boring and deranged to other people, but it made me smile. I like to give them hugs and tell them it's all going to be okay, because in all honesty they're young and in retrospect these problems are minuscule, they're important and valid, but minuscule. And really things almost always work out in the end.

Okay so there ya'have it. Have a lovely Monday everyone!