January 31, 2009


So who's going with me? I've decided to suck it up and buy me a damn three day pass. $269. So basically the price of a speeding ticket *grumble grumble grumble*. Plus if I want to go camping there is $55 for a camping pass. The line up is going to be awesome! April 17th-19th. I'm so going! Who's with me?

January 30, 2009


Well there goes my next few paychecks! I got two tickets while in arizona! This one was a stupid speeding camera from outside Buckeye. And it's for $235!

I hate arizona!

January 29, 2009

I'm going crazy, but at least it's fun....

I have a stupid premonition feeling in my stomach again. Lord I really honestly should have some loony doctor examine me. I'm really beginning to believe that I am in fact crazy. Last night I went to bed at about eleven thirty, or rather that's the estimated time I fell asleep. I woke up as I have been doing for the last few weeks while it was still dark. This must mean that I am awake fiteen minutes before my alarm goes off at six am. This is what's been happening, it's a habit now. So there I was laying in bed waiting for the fifteen minutes to pass, and I started thinking. I was thinking about alot of things, dreams I had, dreams I have, the dream I was having, the price of gas, the economy, health food, licorice... usual I'mnotreallyawakebutmybraindoesn'tquiteknowthat thinking. Now I have almost no concept of time. I'm not kiding you. I have to have a clock around me always because I cannot tell how much time has passed. So as I lay in my bed this morning waiting for my alarm to go off I began to wonder why it wasn't going off, surely fifteen minutes had passed. So I sat up and grabbed my alarm clock and hit the light button on the top. 3:35. am. 3:35 am. Let me say that again 3:35 AM! So I was like well that's frocking awesome! I can still sleep for two hours and 25 mins. So I layed in bed and closed my eyes and smiled at the fact that I got to sleep more. except my brain didn't seem to like this idea as much as I did, and I did not fall asleep. I layed there tossing and turning all night long. It was horrible because my brain wouldn't shut up and I ended up having a conversation (out loud I might add) with an imaginary person until my alarm went off at six am. Once my alarm went off I turn it off and then layed back down feeling highly annoyed, and what do ya know I fell asleep. But only for a half an hour. Seriously the most annoying night ever. But mostly because me and the voices in my head did nothing but beat me up all night, which was highly annoying. So then I actually got up and showered and got ready for work and my voice lesson and the whole time I was thinking about how my stomach was what kept me up all night. It was doing all kinds of twists and turns and leaps and bounds. Now usually when I get this funny feeling weird things happen: I see the boy of my dreams and he acts all flirty (this was almost 8 years ago mind), or I fall in love with London (this was six years ago), Or the boy of my dreams who turned out to be not so dreamy shows up in the same movie theatre and makes a very akward move on me (this was also six years ago), or a boy I am pinning for instigates a conversation that leads to much excitment and a date that turns out to be really horrible (only a year ago), or I wake up late and then am running late for school and get into a major life threatening car accident, or a boy is at something that I also happen to be at after he has decided that I am not worth dirt, or any subsidiary thereof, and I finally get over it (more recent than I care to admit). There are other examples but these are the most vibrant in my memory. Thus I have come to the conclusion that it is some sort of precognition to warn me of things that will happen that will be both exciting and self growing. You would think that I would actually use this as a warning and do all I could to avoid these weird things, but I'm just that stupid. The point is that I have this feeling again and it keeps churning my stomach making me watch everyt little thing, which is dumb because it always happens when I stop looking and I would just like for this to be over already so I can go home and go to bed! I am so tired! And my fingers hurt alot. I was playing my guitar last night and ended up break my fragile callouses because it's been so long since I've played. Which is annoying because I really need to be playing and had to relearn a bunch of chords... alas my poor life. Which honestly isn't so poor, I'm just tired and annoyed with my inability to sleep.
On the plus side yesterday turned out to be not so horrible after a jolly good time of fun-making. Well it honestly wasn't all that jolly concidering that it was about this bitch whom I am no longer related to no matter what her marraige license says, who made a very salacious and offensive remark about Bri. Now I'm mostly a lover not a fighter, but if you mess with my siblings, or anyone that I love, you probably won't be alive much longer, so I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted and the great thing about the arizona desert is no one will ever find your mostly plastic body. But as this really pissed off my sis, I tried to diffuse the situation which led to a group of my friends getting in on this and having a wonderful time poking fun at Bri, all in good humor. So dear former relative of mine I hope you enjoyed our little game that you provided us, however, do it again and I'll go directly to the source of the problem. Also I'd watch who you call a whore, because there are many fingers aimed at you.
So there is one more night of American Idol auditions so I shall do the wrap up tomorrow. in the mean time I've gotta run to the post office and mail crap.

January 28, 2009


Today started out great. Really great. Then I got annoyed and mad at myself. I'm being incredibly lazy in all things that are important to me, and working like a friggin chipmonk before winter on everything else. No joke. I actually have run out of things to do at work. Well not really because there is still a file on my desk to go through and I could makeup folders if I really wanted to. But I'm still annoyed. I think I need a vacation. A working vacation. I need to go away for a few days and sort through stuff on my own and figure some more things out and sleep till noon and not feel guilty about it. And I will drink nothing but coffee and eat nothing but carrots and stay up late watching the stars for inspiration. Blah. There's only about two more hours of work I have to do here, before heading home, but then when I get home I have so much crap to do that I've been putting off. I think it's just the "weird office mojo". I always get this feeling of doom and gloom here and have nicknamed it the "weird office mojo". I also feel like going for a drive out to the middle of nowhere which ideally would involve a forrest. I'm thinking I would like to be a hermitess for about a month or so. I could work on my dreds while I'm at it. Of course if I'd just shut up and do what I'm supposed to do and stop feeling like having a pity party I'd be perfectly fine. I guess I'm just disappointed in my inability to remain confident and to stop being stupid. Blah. So I'm going to breathe deep and exhale the bad chi, and inhale the good chi. I'm highly annoyed though. Okay I need to pump myself up so that I can plow through what I need to do tonight. I guess I can put off bra shopping again. I'm gonna go for a walk.

January 26, 2009

Welcome to The Golden State, the coolness comes free.

I'm alive.

For anyone who was worried about my impending doom, you can breathe easy now. I'm okay, with only minor injuries.

okay well it actually wasn't all that horrible. I mean we went for a surprise party for my grandma's birthday and it was lovely and jolly and she and my great grandma were crying and very excited to see us, so that was lovely. But I spent the rest of the party either being completely ignored *which actually wasn't so bad since I'm mostly psychotic and had several revelations with the people in my head during this time* or getting the third degree about why I wasn't in school anymore from people who really have no business knowing my business, or people who I've met all of six times. I mean they all wanted to know what I was doing, i.e. was I working towards a degree, or getting married, and when i told them no on both accounts, but I am working on making music and getting it out there, thankyouverymuch, they began to ask me why I wasn't in school, or getting myself hitched, and when i told them to mind their own bees wax because a. I don't want to go to school, and I don't want to get married, and last time I checked not only was this a free country, but women also have the right to vote. Of course maybe they don't in arizona, I don't know. I do know that what I choose to do is between me, God, my parents, and the select few whom I deem worthy of knowing, so Mr. Royal Prick of an Uncle take that, put it in your crack pipe and blaze into glory! For a bunch of people who never really went to college they were sure upset that I wasn't anymore. But other than that it was mostly pleasant. and by pleasant I mean that everyone took the "platitude 101" course at the local community college. My cousin Em and I did have a very nice conversation about New York and Frisco and Portland, and that was the highlight of my weekend. so then we went to church with everyone on Sunday, and to lunch afterwards. I got put at the kids table. For real. I would like to point out that the next oldest person to me who was at the "adult table" is nine years older than me. 9. and the next person, is only 12 years my senior. I am 21 years old. So when am I gonna get to sit at the adult table? huh? I mean as far as I can tell I am adlutish right? I mean i don't make mouth noises, or play with my food, and I'm actually the much needed comic relief in a conversation. so then we left and on the way back I managed to get stopped by a stupid arse cop who was hiding between some cacti and rocks and dust, which means that he could have been just about anywhere in arizona, but he thought it would be funny to pull over the token girl with California plates and give her a $279 speeding ticket, even though everyone else on the road was also going 93 when the speed limit is 75. I was 12 miles from the state line, so I guess he figured he should get me while he could. They must need a new monument in celebration of the stupid cardinals going to the stupid superbowl, or a new canal to take water from other places that actually have water, so he probably thought he was doing the state a favour. Then he got all cocky with me as I tried to charm my way out of the ticket, and I wanted to punch him, but didn't since the state prison was only six miles away and well I didn't fancy spending anymore time than necessary in that dust bowl of a land locked crack hole. I was so mad that when we met my parents in Blythe I started spewing about what a douche bag that stupid cop was and ended up crying, because I was so mad! I'm sure he's into child porn and roasting kittens and puppies. he had "that" look to him. The douche bag. I have NEVER been so happy to be back in California. really, do you have any idea how absolutely beautiful it is here? I mean the absolute glory of the concrete over passes, and the loveliness of the dark brown dirt blows my mind! I have never been so thankful for those beautiful words written on those gorgeous green freeway signs: RIVERSIDE 60 WEST. Did you know that there is not a single starbucks that we could find that stayed open past 9:30? Oh and we have so many awesome trees! Indio and Cochella have never been so beautiful to me. If I ever complain about anything here ever again, you have every right to smack me and say "then go back to pheonix." I am so happy to be home. I even went to starbucks last night and left them a very hefty tip for being open. I went at 10:30! It was incredible. I've also decided that I am never eating any processed food ever again. Seriously, how do those people's arteries survive? Not a single health food store the whole time. Oh but here's a funny ditty: we stayed in like a suburb of a suburb of a suburb, called Youngstown. There was a sign by our hotel that said YOUNGSTOWN DENTURE CLINIC. I thought this was a very good lesson in irony, and then found out that Youngstown is where all the old people who don't live in all the other parts of arizona live. and holy crap no one knows how to drive over 40 miles and hour! on the frocking freeway! I mean I know that people in Oregon drive slow, but at least you can say that there is some sort of scenery to look at, which is cause for the slowness, plus it's like, green, and they have, like, trees, and water, and air. Oh don't even get me started on the state of my skin and hair. both are far too hidden from the sun to have fared well. I got half a sunburn driving there and then the other half was burnt on the way home. Which btw, when we got home there was the most beautiful bunch of rain clouds I have ever seen. Yesterday in pheonix it was 88. this morning when I got in the car to go to work, it was 44. I will say though it was kinda of nice to go to a state that when everyone learned you were from California, didn't bring out the torches and pichtforks. Oregonians hate us, and New Yorkers think we're too chill. arizonans wish they were this cool.

Moral of the story/weekend: Ashley will never be going to arizona again if she can help it. Also watch out for cops who hide behind cacti and rocks. Also God bless pacific standard time. Also, thank God for California.

January 24, 2009

Adieu mon readers....

I don't speak french and have no idea what readers is in french. sorry. I'm off to Arizona. It's not going to be a fun weekend and somehow in the last 24 hours my sister, Bri, announced that she had too much homework to do to be able to go, thus I decided to stay home, then was guilt tripped into going again so that my dad can drive his pet car. He bought a Jag. He's always wanted one and he bought it last spring. I call it his pet car, because he litterally treats the stupid thing like a pet. I will never understand people who like fancy cars....

But all that aside I'm now going. Can you hear the thrill in my voice? oh then I must not be that bad an actress. seriously I've had stomach convulsions all night and feel like throwing up. and I get to drive my parent's excursion for the next five hours. granted we've got some good tunes to go along, but really I'd rather drive up the i 5 for the rest of my life than through the desert and Blythe. Really who lives in Blythe? what is the point of Blythe? Seriously, it involves a mickey D's, a del taco, and a gas station. wow. that's my idea of a hoping town.

Okay I'm being stupid now and it's all cuz' I'm in a bad mood. this is going to be a fun 5 hour drive..... On the plus side there is a huge chance of Twilight/ the new underworld movie viewing this evening. so that's not so bad. of course Edward Cullen/Rob Pattinson would make my being in Arizona less miserable, but here's my question though: where's my cullens to the volturi I have for family? seriously? when it come to family I won the "horrible" jackpot. here we go again... I'm really trying to not be negative, but there are some clouds that do not have silver linnings. and they all involve my family. but hey it's research for my novel....

alright I'm going to quit my complaining, mostly cuz I have to go brush my hair and teeth and am in need of massive amounts of coffee. I think I'm going to pretend to be a mime this weekend. nobody likes mimes anyways so they ignore them. ouch. I just slammed my head on the desk here. anyone wanna trade weekends? I don't think I'll survive this one..... ugg.

good frocking bye everyone. blahhhhhh!

January 22, 2009

Sing me a song

Okay so I'm so tired and have almost no energy left, thus Here is the Idol audition wrap ups:

This week was boring. There wasn't anyone good, there wasn't anyone too freaky. I was bored. I was sad, because Frisco is my homedog, and there was no one there who impressed, or scared me. It was pathetic.

In other news: I was on the bus coming home. There was a crazy lady. there was a smelly guy who was like fourty and old and smelly. He asked me if he could borrow a pen. I handed him a pen. He got off at my stop and asked me my name. I was nice and polite and answered (first name only), then he handed me a note. Written was this:
You are so cute I was too shy to talk to you.
Call me tonight and tell me your name
I'm James.
Here's my number:..........
I'm not joking. This just happened to me. Thus I am not taking the bus home anymore without a taser and some pepper spray. Also, why am I cute!!! and why can't guys who are cute and younger than my parents and take showers give me their numbers??????? Welcome to the world that is my life! And he freaking used my pen! I'm an enabler!!!! why my own pen????
In better news my voice lesson was abso fabso!!! I mean it! It was so awesome! It's funny because Steve and I know each other pretty well, he's really more than a teacher. He's a good friend too, and he genuinly cares about his students and how to best help them. I sware he's the coolest guy I've ever met, best teacher I've ever had, and a very good friend. Anyways he's so supportive of me and he's giving me ideas (but not suggestions, inside joke) and I am so excited about the coming months! I'm so excited for the future! I'm excited to see what I can do! It was awesome to come into my lesson today with a whole new mindset. I don't have any "have" to's, I'm just gonna sing. And I'm gonna sing what I want to sing. I see myself differently than when we first started lessons, and I see the world more clearly. I got to tell him things about myself instead of him telling me and me saying "oh duh?" The lightbulbs (or some of them at least) have gone on, and I'm not so lost and directionless anymore. I threw away the "should haves" and the "shuld be's" and the "could haves" and the "could be's". I left behind the "what if's" and the "how come's" and now I'm just me singing. I said that two years ago when I first got myself in this mess: "all I want to do is sing". and now I'm doing it. The coolest part, is that even though I was convinced that Steve was going to think I was an idiot for leaving shcool, he's totally on the bandwagon and he's actually getting me to think and make it happen and even push me a little. So all in all it's been a really great day (minus creepy guy). I'm hyper and excited and want to work on all the things we talked about today. The funny part, I didn't even sing a single note. Also we're writing s grunge song called "fame is a butterfly" It's going to be amazing! Oh I make myself laugh! Really though, best lesson ever! I'm so pumped! But excuse me now, I have a pen to boil and burn. I'll try to post new hair pics before I leave for the great AZ. Oh man I'm even excited for that now! See this is why I love music and all things related to singing! It's the best natural high ever!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH! I'm so excited!!!!!!!

Rabbits, Arizona, Tattoos and Dreds

I'm working on my American Idol post, but I thought I'd take a momentary break while I'm on my lunch break.

Here's some news: My mom came home with two rabbits yesterday evening. I'm allergic to rabbits. And they live by Francisco, so good times the three of them are probably trying to plot together. I don't understand why my mother insists on bringing more animals into our house. There was a time when we had 17 animals, and none of those were siblings. There was a bird, a hampster, a dog, some crabs, 10 chickens (no joke), and I'm sure there was something else there that I'm forgetting. We managed to kill all but the chickens, who were sold to a chicken farmer, and the dog, who we left with a girl on a farm in Oregon. Trust me it was better for all that he is up there. But anyways the rabbits run around the house and are named Hans, as in the skates and Pachebell, as in the Canon. Cool names, but inherently evil. And now my dad is trying to convince my mom to get a Farret when we're in Arizona this weekend.
Oh did I mention I have to go to Arizona this weekend? No. Well joy to the friggin world I have to go to Arizona this weekend. I mean I'm all about the reason we're going, but not so much on the who's that are going to be there.... Urg... Not happy with this, but alas... Also It's supposed to rain the whole weekend here, and I'm gonna miss two days of it. Why do people even live in Arizona? I mean they do realize that the name means "arid zone?" right? And have you ever noticed that no one actually lives in Arizona, just their family? I'm not trying to hate on Arizona. If you like it, then good for you. You're not so lame that you live in Utah, but not cool enough to live in California. As a native of San Diego though, anything east of Imperial Valley in a part of Arizona, so y'know... I'm just annoyed with having to go.... maybe I'll find a thrift store to make me happy? But Lauren, Chelsea's friend, is coming along with us, which is sure to be awesome. Lauren is a representation of everything good about being a teenager. seriously. She's one awesome kid. So that will be fun. A five hour drive with Lauren may cause some injuries though...
In other news I have decided to compile a list of all the things I am going to do this year, like random stuff that I've always said I would do, but haven't thus far in my life. Here's the short list that I've got so far:
1. Get two tattoos.
2. Learn to play the banjo.
3. Make-out with a celebrity on the street.
4. Start a band.
5. Get dreds
6. Move out
The last one is sadly the most realistic. I really don't like needles so I'm not sure how I'd do with getting a tattoo. But I'm thinking for my 22nd birthday I'll do it. Mostly cuz I'm getting old and decrepit and going senile. And while I do think the banjo is the coolest thing this side of the rio grande, I have to afford one first. Dear Rob Pattinson watch out if you are walking the streets of Los Angeles and some crazy brunette come running at you. It's me and I have a list to accomplish. I've always wanted to start a band. Like so bad. I have some genius band ideas. anyone who's interested hit me up. And the whole dreds thing... I think they're cool! I want to have them! I will someday have them! But probably not this year. Then there's moving out. If I've done my math right (which there is no gaurentee I have) I will be able to move out at the end of September, which will be cool, because Bri is getting married in the beginning of September, so while she's packing up her crap I can pack up mine and make sure she doesn't take anything. And I've decided to move to Portland. So yay for me!
Okay I am leaving now. I have work to do and then a voice lesson to go to.

January 21, 2009

Due to a lack of brain function this post probably won't offend you.

I have a theory about mornings and their level of good. It all rests on four things. Number one is the dream from the night before. Our dreams often shape how we see the day ahead. To hear about my dream and the musings on it go here. But know it was really good.

The second thing is the song that is stuck in your head. This was dodgy this morning. At first it was the song Hair fromt the musical Hair! which I love, but the dodgy part was the moment that changed into a Cheeta Girls song. Luckily though The 88 saved me and Love you anytime started playing. So that was good too.

The third thing is the co-operation level of your hair. I got mine cut yesterday. Notice the word "got". Yes someone else did it! I know I'm shocked too. But the point is that I really like it. Not love, but really like. It's not perfect, but it will be as soon as it startes to grow out. I got lots, and lots o' layers. With my hair being wavy layers are the perfect wash and go hairstyle for me. Today it was wonderfully co-operative. I even curled it a little. I know crazy. So that was good.

The final variable in having a good morning is the weather. IT'S RAINING!!!!!! I'm happy! Yay! So that's good, and also explains why my hair is working.
And it's Chipotle Wednesday! So today is a great day.
In other news we got a turtle. I'm fairly certain it is plotting my demise. It's evil. Fraser named it Fred or Frank or Ferdinand or something, and informed me that he was learning his "attack poses" because he, the turtle, thought that the turtle in the reflection on the wall of it's tank was actually and evil turtle come to steal it's home. I don't like the turtle. It's eyes follow me whenever I walk past the damn thing. If I don't wake up one of these days, it's cuz Florence killed me.
I was going to show you pics of my new hair, but my mom took the camera with her on a feild trip, so sometime this weekend I'll show you.
And that's it. Sorry if this is a disapointing post. It's short (well for me) and not as funny as I'm sure you all expect, but my brain is in a million more places than usual. So have a wonderful day!

January 19, 2009

I just don't get it... sometimes

There are moments when I just don't know what to do, or say. That sound crazy right? I mean me, not having something to say! Ha! But seriously, there are just some times when all I can do is stand back from everyone else, fold my arms, and just stare in disbelief. The world is such a wonderfully weird place. There are so many different types of people. And not all of them make sense to me, so I stand back and gawk. Enough people gawk at me, I figure I can gawk back every now and then. It's comforting to know that no matter where you go there are always going to be the "cool" people, the dorks, the high strung, and then the rest of us. There is something reassuring in that. Also I love it when plans change, or divert before you expected them to. I love that God keeps me on my toes, looking up, saying "okay, what ya gonna throw at me now?" I love blank canvases. I love the possibilities of this year, and what I could/can/will do. I love my new motto: "Do the unexpected."

The coolest thing about not getting it, is sometimes, when I'm standing there watching everyone else go crazy, I get it. And then I smile up at the sky, despite the summer-in-January thing that's going on, and say "oh, duh."

I like "oh, duh" days. They remind me of two things. The first is that I'm done done yet. The second, I should probably pay closer attention to things.

In conclusion: the plans are changed, and I'm alikin' it. Here we go....

January 16, 2009


I just read that blog that came up on Yahoo's entertainment features. It was about the top ten spending indulgences of musicians. It made me laugh and realize that if I was ever to be a celebrity, I would probably suck at it. I mean I don't like designer clothes, I like to drive crappy cars, I'm okay with drinking cheap beer, I prefer crappy apartments to big glorious houses, and $20 will always be a lot of money to me. I'm not joking. The most I've ever spent on a bag was 35$ and it almost killed me. If I find something for $5 then it's totally a bargain, and I do actually wait until everything is on final clearance to buy it. We went to fashion island down in San Diego on my birthday (not because I particularly wanted to go to fashion island, but it was there and designer stuff tend to tickle my mother's fancy. But she's not like a whore for it, she just likes to touch it all mostly.) and there was an adorable pair of boots. They were $765. $765!!!! Who pays that for a pair of shoes! They had the same shoe at payless a week later for $15! I'll never understand how people justify buying crap like that. I mean really, why don't you get the payless kind and give the $750 you have leftover to the starving women in Africa? They you'll get a cool pair of shoes, and help out someone. I don't know how you could sleep after buying like that. But then again I could live off of thrift stores and Chipotle for the rest of my life.
So I've been noticing that I actually get quite a bit of traffic here on my little ditty of a blog. That's cool and all, but um I don't really understand why people don't stop for a second and say, "oh hey hi, I think you're funnier than a hyena on speed", or "dude wtf? are you for real? I bet people hate you. you should be on the terrorist hit list", or "'ello, mine name iz Dr. Frutzenhutzlehousen, Dr, ov mental illness. Ve fink you vould be a an excelent candidate for and experimental drug programme. Please contact me, Miz Barrett zo fvat ve may furzer our research." Really now, how hard is that? The answer: not hard at all. *on a side not, I think that I forgot to put deodorant on one of my armpits. It doesn't smell or anything, I just can't remember doing it....* So leave a note, a comment, a hate letter, and let me know how I'm doing. Cool.
When did I become "cute"? I just want to know when this happened. For the last few weeks I have been getting all kinds of people telling me how incredibly "cute" I am. A lady I met a few years ago commented on my facebook saying I was "just as cute as ever". I was never aware that I was cute. I'm not saying I think I'm ugly, or beautiful, or whatever, but I never thought of the word "cute" to describe me. Makes alot of sense though. I mean people seem to think that it's okay to call me "kiddo", and kiddos are cute I guess. Seriously though I don't understand the "kiddo" thing. This one guy who "led" music at my grandparents church for a while called me kiddo all the time, like I'm pretty sure he thought that was actually my name. I absolutely hated being called that, so I called him "Donny-boy" which seemed to annoy him (his name was Don and he was one of those macho cop kinda guys). Then I was walking down the hall in the office today and the guy who's office is across from mine was all, "hey there kiddo." I am 21 years old. What about me is "kiddo" ish? Sure I am a bit on the child-like side, but that doesn't mean I can be called kiddo. I think I'm going to start calling people "old-fart-o" when they drop a kiddo on me. It really is almost as annoying as being called Ash by total strangers. It's not like I introduce myself as Ash. No I say "hello I am Ashley, but I hate my name and it's genericness, and how it doesn't fit me." So how is it that people translate that into "oh hey I'll call her Ash!" Sure once you know me I'll let it slide, but really it drives me nutso. For a while I was called Lee, or Lee-Lee. Like as in Sobieski. But that didn't really work so well for me. Most people think I fit my middle name better than my first, cuz it's kinda a grandma name, but it sucks almost as much as Ashley. What is it you ask? I was going to not say, but since everyone I know seems to think it's funny to tell people my middle name and I'm sure I'd get like a bazillion comments saying "OMG! here's her middle name!" I'll just tell you. ready? okay. here it goes.... Louise. I know... But back to the whole point of this paragraph, when did I become cute? This is actually kinda bothersome....
In other news I figured out what was bothering me about my novel. There was this one section that just kinda happened, and it's very emotional and then it pops into even more panicky emotion. So i figured out what needs to happen there, which actually ends up explaining things better and explains what happens later better, and then the ending works even better. So that was cool. and then this morning I was writing and suddenly BAM! something happened that I did not see coming. I totally set it up, but never brought it to fruition because I didn't think it was a. necessary, or b. helpful. Except I was wrong, because it ended up being very helpful, so that was cool. Oh and no I haven't fixed my computer. It's still being an ass-hole. I'm going to have to take it back to my Pakistani friend on Monday and cry a little. Good thing that stupid piece of crap is still under warranty.
Tomorrow I'm going thrifting in an effort to find some clothes that fit me. I'm down to like two or three outfits that are getting a little boring. So I shall bring a camera and show what I buy. Here's hoping it's a successful day.
OH! And yay! I'm getting voice lessons again! Yay! Starting next Thursday! I'm very excited! Mostly cuz my teacher is a major hottie. When he teaches choir, there are alot of girls in the group. But in all reality he's probably the best teacher I've ever had. He seems to understand the jungle that is my brain and it's inner workings better than anyone else I've ever met. He thinks it's funny to tell me truths about myself, that I'm to stupid to see at the time, and then watch the light bulbs pop in my head. I used to tell people that voice lessons with him are better than therapy. Wow I just totally made myself sound like some weepy, depressed loser. Well granted for a while there I was, but not so much anymore. But really he's incredibly good. He makes you really connect with the music and the words and make it your own. So I am bookoo excited about that. And no I do not know how to spell Boo-koo. Deal with it.
Remember that stupid lady who called me Wednesday about the printer problems? Well She called me three times yesterday with new problems and I think her cat died now, and I finally realized that she's one of those people who don't want to fix their own problems, but want someone else to wave their magic wand and fix everything for them. I was apparently the token wand waver this week. Well my dad was just on the phone with her and she was lamenting all her woes about the damn printer when my dad said this rather loudly: "well Ashley is actually the idiot-savant here. She's a very gifted musician and not the brightest bulb when it come to office procedure, But she knows her way around a computer better than anyone gives her credit for. It's actually kind of funny." Word for word that is what he just told her. Well golly dad thanks a bundle! not only am I now a cute kiddo, but I'm also an idiot savant. He said he didn't mean it as an insult, and I'm not sure whether I am insulted, or whether I think it's hilarious... Either way, way to go me! *Edit* y'know what's funny? I actually bought him Chipotle for lunch today out of the goodness of my heart.... this is what I get in return.....
*Edit* I also thought I should mention this just to clear up any confusion. Remember the baby dream from last week and my apparent freak out over it? Remember how I talked about this one woman who is all hot an bothered to hook me up with her son? I would like to say that this person does not actually exist. There isn't anyone hounding me about meeting their son, nor do I have a desire for this to happen. I thought I should clear that up since my mom and a few people who read (but don't comment!) have asked me who this person is. She doesn't exist! So we're all clear on that now right? Cool...
Okay I've got stuff to do and only two hours of work left to do them.
(and leave me a comment for crap's sake!)

January 14, 2009

My own personal light socket and finger

I swear. If I had any luck, I'd have no luck at all.

I'm not actually sure that the above phrase makes any sense, but once a boss told me that when I explained to him that the reason I was late for work, was that a. I ran out of gas on my way to school, b. discovered that my sister and my transcripts had been combined so that we were once person, c. spilled an entire cup of coffee on my once I finally fixed the transcript problem and finally d. broke my book bag while driving to work, which made everything spill everywhere (leading to the coffee spill) and making me not only almost hit four cars, a pedestrian and a light post, but also two dogs and a rabbit. Needless to say it was one of those great days. But that's not what this post is about.

Remember how my computer caught a cold, which turned into pneumonia, led to diabetes, and ended with a double stroke/heart attack? Well my lovely dad took it to be repaired. The computer people looked and looked and said, yup it's dead, but no worry, we can fix it and save everything on your computer including the 10 pages of your novel that have mysteriously disappeared from your email and are sitting pretty on you little computer. To which I replied, gee golly thanks. The computer was supposed to be done by Christmas Eve. So Christmas eve I call. And a very lovely man from Pakistan answers. I explain who I am, what I want, and he tells me that they are waiting for one part and if it comes in that day he will call but they are only open till two. No such luck on getting that it that day. So I tried again on the 30th. Now the part had come in, but the people who deal with the drivers are on holiday and something is wrong with my driver. So then I called on the 2nd. Now the drivers are repaired, but something else is wrong and it might be the hard drive, so your computer will be done sometime in the new year. At this point I resigned myself to getting it back in say, October. However last Thursday we get a call saying, howdy and good day, your computer is fixed. Yay! So I got it back yesterday. The horrible part is this: the hard drive was dead. Like dead, dead. Thus EVERYTHING that was on my computer was lost. every document, every picture, every music, everything... So alas for my poor self, but lesson learned, back up your dang computers folks! So then this morning I turned it on. This morning I surfed the Internet from my lovely laptop. This morning I went and fixed someone else's computer. This morning I went to Smart and Final to get cream, and this morning I came back and my computer is dead. like seriously dead. I have no idea what the hell is going on with it! Mostly I think it's possessed, thus I should really hire a bishop or whatever the guy who does exorcisms is called and have him fix my computer. That or I have some magical electric current coursing through me that zaps all technology. Which is entirely possible. My grandmother can't wear watches, because she makes them commit suicide with her body's magnetism. Which is just a step away from being and X-man, which is totally cool, and may explain alot of the things that are wrong with me. But long story short, I'm still trying to fix my computer, and if I can't, then I'm going to drive back to Ontario and tell my Pakistani friend that this is just retarded and look buster this had better get fixed soon, or I'm gonna scream and you really don't want that to happen.

In other news last night me and my best friend went out to see a movie and have dinner as her going away party. She's leaving Friday to go to Cal State Northridge, and I'm gonna miss her a bundle! So we saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I cannot gush about this movie enough! It's long, but so! good. I've never read the book though I've wanted to, but from what I hear they stuck pretty good with it. But really, if you haven't seen it, go do so! During the whole three hours of the movie I was never bored, or uninterested, and I got very attached to all the characters. Plus Cate Blanchett's clothes were to absolutely die for! After the movie we went to CPK for dinner which was a ton of fun. We made our poor waiter think we were nutso, which was really fun. Sarah asked if we could order an appetizer and he said no sarcastically and she was all, oh... okay. and then he was all I'm joking, and she was all, OH! hahahahaha, can we get an appetizer? Then when we ordered I asked for the garlic Parmesan pasta thingy. my words exactly. Plus we were having really random conversation which was super funny watching him freak out about! oh good times!

Okay I just got off the phone with a client who's sole perpose in calling me was to have me help her fix her printer. I just spent a half hour trying to help her fix her computer over the phone, even though I kept telling her I have no idea what the problem is. We not only uninstalled and reinstalled the printer, we test printed and troubleshooted, and did everything else known to man to try and fix her damn printer, to non avail. So I told her try highlighting and pasting it into a word document. She was crying by now and saying that she tried that, but it just froze, and she's sick, and is having a really bad year, and she lives with two other people, and their printers don't work and I think her dog died or something, or I don't know what else she was telling me, but holy frock she needs a massage or something. Then I asked myself why is she calling her attorney to fix her computer problems? I mean I know I'm supposed to be part of the tech age and all, but seriously who doesn't try to fix their printer on their own, or CALL TECH SUPPORT!? So lesson to everyone: if your clients call with computer problems, tell them that you are computer deffecient and to call their tech people.

On another note today is Chipotle Wednesday. Which means that Jess and I go get Chipotle for lunch. It happens to be my favourite day. So after we got our lunch and were working like good little worker girls, Jess reminded me of how on Monday Bri and I discovered the most vile thing ever in the office fridge: Brisk Green Ice Tea: Green Apple Flavoured. Okay I'm all for green apple flavoured stuff, but who really thought that this was a good idea to make crapy carb-filled tea taste like a granny smith? So Bri and I decided that we'd open a can and take shots of it to assess it's vileness. Bri got cups and poured the green slime into them. First off, it was green and looked like a bad science experiment involving asparagus and pee. Secondly it smelled like liquid cotton candy covered in sugar, with more sugar thrown on top for good measure. I almost died from the stench. No friggin joke.... I told her there was no way in heaven, hell or anywhere in between that was going to get me to drink that. But somehow I ended up do so anyway. Both Bri and I cheersed each other then put the cups to our lips. the stuff barely touched the tip of my tongue before I spit it out and screamed. Bri yelled "oh my god! What did I just injest!" needless to say it was horrible. So I made Jess drink it today and to quote her: "that was like drinking cancer!" Needless to say it's horrible. So you should not drink it, or do so and then tell me how horrible it was and why did I tell you to drink that?

Okay I think this is a long enough post. Hey does anyone remember the term for when you ask a question, but it's not a question and is understood as a statement? I can't remember for the life of me, and it's driving me nuts!

okay that's it....


January 12, 2009

Through a Rosy Hue

The sky isn't falling.
As crazy as it seems, it's not gonna fall tomorrow either.
I have never been one to worry. I mean I worry, but not really. I don't sweat it. I can get stressed, and freaked out, and feel like the world will pop, but I always know it's not going to. I'm the one who looks at the glass half full, while wearing rose coloured glasses, and then I use the water in the glass to water the roses I just stopped to sniff. I'm happy-go-lucky, always smiling, and got a song in my heart. I'm chill and calm and cool and good in stressful situations, because regardless of the level of stress, I know that tomorrow the sun'll come out, and I bet that someone will laugh, even if it's in Zimbabwe and not here. The world is a pretty beautiful place in my head, with lots of colour that includes black and grey. Grey is actually one of my favourite colours. I've never associated it with gloom, because first off I have grey eyes, and that happens to be my favourite feature, and secondly I like how grey looks on everything. And black is cool because it's basic and makes everyone look thinner. I always see the silver lining, and the rainbow in the storm. There's alot of beauty in the world, but sometimes you have to look for it. I'm one of the people who looks for it. Even at my worst, I still know I'm being stupid and that everything will work out in the end. If a meteor was threatening the planet right now, I really wouldn't freak out. Call your mom and dad, tell them you love them and I'll see you in heaven.
In my world robbers wear outfits like Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face, a ski mask, and yes they are called robbers.
In my world love conquers all, so why do you need to worry about the evil witch?
In my world all unmarked police cars are a '55 Ford of some sorts, and all plain clothes policemen wear three piece suites and fedoras.
In my world the rain makes puddles and that means you have to jump in them.
In my world it's better to do whatever is going to end up being a better story to tell.
In my world everyone laughs at least 1000 times a day.
In my world music plays 24/7/366
In my world life is always good, because it could always be worse.
I don't mind if you call me childish. I don't mind if you say I'm old-fashioned. This is how I see everything. This is how the world looks through my eyes, even without the Rosy hue of my spectacles. No one told me this is how things are, this is how I figured out life. Things will happen when they happen, and if they don't they just weren't meant to be, so don't be sad just move on to the next thing, because I'm sure it'll be better than what you planned before. I trust easily, too easily. and I have the remarkable ability to be happy wherever I am. Even when I'm ranting it's because I find it all funny, not because it really pisses me off. I try to seem all bad-ass, but I'm not. I'm funny and sunny, and pretty danged happy to be so.
So it's really hard for me to understand the people around me who see all doom and gloom. They want everything to be sunny and gay, but the problem is, that it's not going to be. You have to be willing to see the beauty in the gloom. I know that life will suck sometimes, but happiness is a choice. Even I know that. Trust me, I could get down. I could go all pain filled romantic and cry "woe is me!" about all sorts of things. I could cry about alot of things. My life might seem easy and fun, but it's not always. I have to make it that way. I'm not exactly vivacious all the time, it takes work. sometimes I want to cross my eyes and shut out all the noise and scream. But instead I smile and go to my room and blast some music. And I don't understand why that doesn't work for everyone. Why can't they just suck it up and smile? I know it's hard. I know that I don't have to be that way, but I am. I know that the world won't randomly combust, so why worry about that? So when people start worrying over idiotic things, and rushing to do unimportant stuff, I have the hardest time watching them, because in my head it's all okay. I cannot comprehend a world without happiness and beauty. Back a few years ago I was horribly depressed, but mostly because I allowed myself to be. It was over stupid things that I didn't even want. But even through those dark years I still didn't go completely dark and dreary. I could have. For a while I almost did, but I forced myself out of it. I'm not claiming my way of life to be better, just different.
But here's the thing: Things really do work out. Whether it's the way you want them to, or the way you don't they work out. They don't come in your time, but they come, eventually. I have been praying for the same two things since I can remember. Neither of them have come... yet. Maybe it's foolish hope, but I'd rather be a happy idiot, than a miserable genius. So I continue to pray and hope and dream and wish. But you can't let those things get you down, because worrying about serendipity, or what might come just gives you acne and a headache. So why bring all that on yourself?
I'm not saying to stop doing what's important. I'm not saying that you should quit your job and run off with a tribe of hippies. I'm not saying that you should walk through life with a cheesy fake smile on your face. I'm not saying that my way of thinking doesn't have it's setback, cuz it does. It's easy to get complacent. It's easy to be lazy. It's easy to not care about anything and assume that life will work itself out. But I am saying that maybe, just maybe things wouldn't be so overwhelmingly overwhelming if everyone tried to be happy for just a day. Instead of cursing the graffiti on the freeway think about a. the talent that they have to do that, and b. the mad skills it takes to climb on those things. Instead of bitching about the coffee you spilled on your shirt, remind yourself that it's not ink. It's the little things that count, so make them count. Smile at your barista, their job is actually pretty stressful. Smile at the guy who flipped you off, it'll totally confuse him. I know that a smile isn't going to fix world hunger, or the hole in the ozone layer, or reduce co2 emissions. But it just might brighten your, and someone else's day.
In closing I'd like to say that this is just a musing of mine. It's not directed at any one person. It is directed at all the people I know who seem to be in a slump and could probably use a hug. I know the world looks like it's going to hell in a hand basket. I know that some things just suck ass. I know that there are thing you aren't proud of. I know that times are tough. I know that banks are scary. I know. But I also know that God is in control. I know that the world will still be rotating tomorrow. I know that birds will sing, and flowers will bloom, somewhere in the world. I know that dreams come true. I don't write this blog just to rant, or make people think I'm crazy. I write it to make someone smile and to smile at myself. If I happen to make one person laugh at the moronic things that I do/happen to me, then it's been a good day. No joke, sometimes I will trip in a room and hurt myself to lighten the mood, because I know that I can laugh at myself. I consider that a gift and since it doesn't bother me to be the clown, then why not let it make other people smile. The day people stop laughing at me is the day I start worrying. I'm not trying to brag. I'm really not. I'm just giving you a view into my world, into my head. This is how I see it. I hope you might be able to see it too.
So have a beautiful week. Smile at a baby. Pluck a flower. Skip a stone. Eat lunch in a park.
Just smile.
Mon Dieu, hear the poet’s prayer.
The romantic should be here.
The romantic should be there.
It ought to be everywhere.
But the romantic must never remain.
Mon Dieu, and must never again return.
-Wallace Stevens
On a side note I'm thinking of starting a second blog filled with thoughts like these and poems. Any thoughts?

January 11, 2009

Rock me baby...

About two years ago I was tricked (literally) into helping out at an Autism day camp by leading songs and getting kids to go musical exercises. It was 10% annoying because I got drug in at the last moment (no joke, like the lady pulled me out of the room I was cleaning at work and begged me to sing with the kids for an hour, fortunately for her I'm a sucker for four year olds. I prefer four year olds because they have mostly gotten over their sticky/smelly days and can generally hold a decent conversation. Plus their minds are more mold able at four thus I can warp them easier), but 90% amazing! The kids were awesome and smart and sweet. I'd never worked with kids who had any kind of handicap or whatever the politically correct term is before, and absolutely loved doing it.

But more than the fact that I am pretty anti-autism, I'm even more so anti-treating kids who have issues like they have issues. kids are kids, and once they're past their sticky phase they're pretty easy to please. They should get the chance to be kids, and to have fun, and given every opportunity that is available to them. Not to preach, but I've known alot of people who treat their kids who happen to have some sort of problem like they don't exist, or are only half human. I've also know some who lift their kid up like a piece of toast with Mother Frocking Theresa on it and blast how their kid has issues. I'm all for finding the cure, and fighting for your kids, but at the end of the day your kid is not a god and frankly I'm pretty happy about that.
I'm not actually ranting here, just commenting.... Anyhoodles,

Great Cause, but more importantly great commercial! It's like the hot bad boy you really want to date, but are pretty sure he'll rape you first....

That was horrible, but a pretty good analogy of this video. I absolutely love that this is a bunch of former druggies and stoners and alcoholics who are supporting this cause. Plus I LOVE everyone of those guys! Anything that get's Gene Simmons to wear his KISS makeup is a-ok in my book. Plus I want to make out with Steven Tyler because he's probably the closest thing I can get to kissing a dementor without losing my soul. Though I have to say that it would have brought this video to a whole other level of AWESOME if Ozzy Osbourn and Sharon Osbourn had been in it. I love them, and don't care what you say. Sharon Osbourn is my homegirl, and we are soul sisters. She had a daytime talk show for a while that I freaking loved! It was the only thing on TV that I actually watched, and I was sad to see it go. It was like getting together with a really cool grandma and listening to her bitch about the world, men, dogs, and the stupid stuff her kids did, while her dogs ran free chasing camera men. I swear it was pure GENIUS!

I hope everyone is have a marvvy Sunday! I'm bored, tired, and have a headache and am currently sitting my my pajamas. yes at 8:30 I'm in my p.j.'s.... I'm pretty sure I'm a gramma.... But I am a really cool Sharon osbournesqu gramma....

January 9, 2009

A Variation On A Theme

Okay so just so everyone who was worried knows, me and my dream husband ( that is the bozo who keeps showing up in all my baby dreams, and is generally all "oh golly that's cool" about EVERYTHING) and I are in dream marriage counselling. Last night my head was again invaded by this dude, who I discovered that his name is Paul. And whilst he did apologize for the disturbing array of dreams I've been having he also clued me into why I've been having them. There are two reasons. Number one borders on the TMI, and no its not about sex or anything related to that, well kinda but no, it's not actually, and now I've just dug myself a hole of confusion and I'm not even sure what I'm talking about anymore.... Reason number two makes a little more sense and is actually the conclusion I was leaning towards yesterday afternoon (cuz I swear I spent the whole day freaking out about this stupid dream). This is the reason: *and if any of you laugh at me, well I will just remember to punch you in the face when I really am pregnant and violent* How do I say this? Um.... I want to have a life? Yeah that works. See I know ALOT of girls, who are the same age as me, or younger than me, or only a few months older who are popping out babies and all sorts of nonsense. Whereas I have a plan that the deviates into two plans depending on the success on said plan and which way it's leaning, which right now it's leaning to a very cool side that I'm likin' alot, and would oddly end me up where my dream took place last night and no it is not a small town with a subway system. So my sub conscious is telling me that despite my apparent lack of flirting skills and disastrous history with guys, when I do meet "the one" things will probably happen very quickly *I'm just sayin' that I would be the one of all my sisters to come back from my honeymoon and figure out "Holy Frock! I'm gonna have a frocking kid!", I'm also the one who would have twins, so please God no more of these dreams? k' thanks!* thus I'd better do what I want to do now, and not put it off, and search for "love". Now moving on to the actual dream that bordered on.... Crap! I just censored myself and I don't like that, but I seriously want to say it! What the hell! People should know by now that I'm blunt so here it goes.... that bordered on being PG-13 ish. While you don't need to know how it bordered on this, you do need to know that... CRAP! I did it again! Since when did I become self aware?.... know that I'm kinda liking couples counselling. I just realized that if there are any women out there who read my rants/yammers/evidence that will probably someday be used against me in a court of law who happen to have sons around my age that are single, they are currently hiding them from me. Except for one token woman who is probably actually cracking up at all this and trying to hunt down my email, because she thinks her son could use a girl like me, then we'll meet and he'll be a total douche, but there's some sadness in his eyes and through a very funny array of mishaps and Shakespearean conversations, we'll fall madly in love, but some old hag who he's related to will decide I'm not enough of a lady and thus cut him out of her will and we'll know that we can't survive with out the money she will inherit to him so we keep our love a secret and have a mad and passionate affair, and I'll get on a plane to leave for Morocco and he'll kiss me and say "we'll always have Paris baby", then he'll get shot because somehow the mafia got involved and as I lay over his dying body he'll manage to open his eyes smile at me and yell "FREEDOM!!! and Rosebud!" and then I'll curse the sky and the credits will roll. Lady you really don't want to get your son mixed up with me. Now what was I talking about? Oh yeah couples counselling. Before I move on though, let me just say how impressed with me you should all be for that little ditty there. I quoted Much ado about Nothing, and Braveheart and Citizen's Cane, AND Casablanca all in one breath. at least it was one breath for me.

So yeah couples counselling.... Well the point is it ended up being a good dream and there were no babies present. I just realized that my earlier statement made it sound like I am wanting to have children right now. Let me clarify this by saying a loud and resounding NO. If you've ever heard me call for someone you know how loud and resounding I can be. I once read that if you are dreaming of babies that means you really want a new purse, so I am gonna go with this. I do not want children currently, nor do I really want to be married at this moment in my life. And since I do actually have a set of moral codes that I apply to my life the first ain't gonna happen without the latter happening first. Thus I really have nothing to worry about and am just being a psychopath and worrying about nothingness. Wow what has happened to this blog? It's just a big pile of awkwardness now....
In other news I cut my bangs and they turned out really nice. Also It's Santa Ana Winds season and my skin wants to die. Also I figured out how to not smell like beer, while still using my body products. also we had an earthquake last night. it was a big one. I like earthquakes. California will not fall into the Pacific ocean anytime soon, or ever for that matter, because California does not have those kind of fault lines thankyouverymuch and will end up being in Frisco, which i have no problem with because I actually really like Frisco. We have the kind that rumble vertically, not the kind that go horizontally. If you ever look me up on America's most wanted and come visit me, I'll show you with my hands, because it's a better visual.
So my coffee just ran out which means it's time for me to end and get more. On a small side note I just had a conversation with Chel and Dee about weddings and boat cruises. I think we should have our own reality show.....

January 8, 2009

The Sleep Depravation Is Getting To Me

Okay I am not exactly sure what the hell is up with this, but I would certainly enjoy it if the "baby" dreams would stop! Seriously! Last night I had a dream that I got married in this uber small town that I lived in. Granted this was the coolest small town ever. We had a subway system that was exactly like the one in New York. Like I'm actually not kidding you. It was the New York Subway in this small town. All the stops were the ones in New York, except it was an open air subway. Like a trolley car in Frisco but on the New York Subway tracks.... But moving on with the point of this story. I went away on my honeymoon and came back to find that I was "preggo". This of course freaked me out and I proceeded to have heart palpitations. Then I told my husband *okay now let me say that it was the same one as before, and I did not mind that part of the dream one single bit, however this next section is grounds for divorce from my dream husband* and he was all "oh hey that's cool I guess. let's tell your mom." and I was all "um hello douche why are you not freaking out?" and he was all "well first it's really not that big of a deal and we kinda got ourselves into this mess." and chuckled very dirtily and I was all "wow I am totally going to punch you in the face right after I finish throwing up here." you should note that this conversation was taking place over a toilet. then we went and told my mom who was all "oh hey that's cool I guess. Let's go tell everyone in town." and I was all "um hello? why am I the only one paranoid about this?!" and my mom was all "jeez ash, cool it. It's just a baby." and I was all "yeah who I will be responsible for warping it's mind!" and then my mom was all "well it's really not that big of a deal, and you kinda got yourself into this mess." then chuckled very dirtily. This was basically the same conversation I had with everyone. Well no scratch that. Only my parents, sister *who btw was also married in said dream but did not return from her honeymoon knocked up and the only thing different about our conversation was that she pointed her finger at me and laughed and said " ha ha ha ha haha!" at which point I did punch her.*, and Sarah, and Charissa were all "it's just a baby so keep your panties on, cuz if you had in the first place you wouldn't be here right now" *That was you Sarah, and you also received a punch in the face*. The towns people, none of whom I actually know, were freaking out about this and took it upon themselves to make sure I was "safe" which means that I couldn't ride the subway again, I had to continuously wash my hands * don't have a clue what that was all about*, needed to be rushed to the bathroom at regular intervals *like wheeled in a wheel chair to the bathroom and forced to pee! I'm telling you I need to stop the drugs*, and every time I went anywhere I had to be chaperoned by at least three people. The rest of the dream was just me trying to escape the crazed downs people, nearly falling from the platform by the water tower that everyone had to get married on, and some really rather vomit inducing moments of sweetness. Also there was the one particular towns girl who was highly annoying *I'm pretty sure she was the one who kept insisting that I use the toilet* and all up in my husband's grill, and I had a bit of a showdown with her in which I said "yo home girl, what up fool? don't mess with my man, because I am apparently very violent whilst pregnant and unless you want a deformed face, I'd lay off!" All in all it was very exciting.

Now let me say that it is everything I can do to keep from giggling ferociously at this dream. It was very hard to write out with a straight face. But WTF!!!!! is up with this?!!!! It really freaked me out. Like REALLY freaked me out. So I was trying analyze this stupid dream and this is what I got from it: Item 1. Stay in School and don't get knocked up. I've blown* the first half of this lesson, so I'm horribly screwed*! *<------ Read this Jess! I think I need sleep!!!!* Item 2. Don't live in small towns with subway systems. Item 3. I will apparently be very violent when I get pregnant, you have been forewarned. Item 4. I need to figure out what it is that I am doing before bed that triggers these horrible dreams, cuz they're freaking me out! Item 5. And I'm actually shocked/alarmed/horrified I'm actually typing this, mostly because I am laughing so hard* at this right now, but a word of wisdom: bring condoms on your honeymoon.... Holy frock! that took me like five minutes to actually type! Moving on very quickly though... What is it my sub conscious is trying to tell me? I don't know and I'm too tired to figure it out, so this is open for interpretation.... Have a whack at it... I'm feeling slightly traumatized. Maybe that's what I'm being told. The thought of motherhood freaks me out, thus I should not have kids. Except it really doesn't. I like kids and someday I'd like to have my own. Maybe I'm just paranoid of having kids before I'm ready...... I'm spent on explanations, so have fun with this... I'm going to go get more coffee....

January 6, 2009

Of Blockbuster and Stalkers

Seriously. Why me?

SO I just got back from Blockbuster. There was NO ONE in the store being that this is Riverside, and 10pm and a Tuesday, resulting in lameness. So there I am with Chel and we are tootalin along, pick our movies and go to the check out line. Now I as always was off in my own little world, and handed the guy my license because Bri lost our card so now I have to hand them my license every time and tell them that the account is under my dad's name. Anyhoodles. I put down said license and begin to whistle a jolly tune as I look off into space to daydream *side note here, I have been daydreaming about food all day. no joke. Like someone please Chipotle me! seriously... I want a big fatty cheese quesedilla with steak. and when I took a fifteen minute nap this afternoon to prepare for writing an emotional part of my novel I dreamed I was eating said quesedilla. but on with the story* So to make a semi long story short The movie guy, we'll call him Matt, because that is actually his name, asks me for my card. I'd already handed him my license and told him the account is under my dad's name, so I repeated my self and apologized for the delay in my responsiveness due to the daydream of chipotle.... Not that I actually told him why I delayed in responding, but anyway. This is what happened next:

Ashley: Sorry! I'm off in my own little world here!

Matt: Oh do I sense some sassyness here!

A: NOT sassily AT ALL! oh no, no sassyness here.... *then I realize that I did sound just a bit sassy*

M: y'know I know where you live now * okay so why did this become important to the conversation? like why did he have to creep me out with this? How come he couldn't be a normal guy and just say something about my eyes being the colour of granite or something????*

A: Do you Really!!!! *okay so this actually freaked me out cuz I was thinking that maybe he's like a neighbour and trust me I do weird things to my neighbours which is why none of them talk to us, so I was just a little worried that maybe he knew that I was a bigger weirdo than I had let on and there is this really (reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally...really) hot guy who works there that I am working on and frankly I can't afford people thinking I'm weirder than I already am (sorry for the long thought bubble. my brain works faster than you know)*

Chel: um he has it in front of him on the computer.

A: *holy crap I should be institutionalized...*

M: Yeah it's blahblahblahblah Blah Lane, R-side. *I'd tell you my address but now I'm afraid of stalkers. finish reading to see why*

A: oh yeah I was like all "whoa dude, he must know the street and all that crap".

C: cuz he couldn't just look it up on yahoo maps or something

A: to chel, NOT to Matt the movie guy. Dude you know that Google street view is the most incredible creation ever!

M: DUDE!!! I know! I just discovered that yesterday.....

Okay I don't really feel like typing the rest of the conversation out, but just know that we proceeded to talk about google street viewer for like five minutes after this and now I am pretty sure that he is going to go home type my address into Google street viewer and become my stalker. Why do these things happen to me? And No I was not being sassy Mr. Matt. I don't do sassy. I am incredibly charming I'll give you, but never sassy. And I'm also pretty sure that it's all because of my beer perfume. He probably smelled me and was like "man a woman who smells like stale beer! She's the one for me!" Where is my Rob Pattinson when I need him????? Stupid beer perfume.....

Eau de Beer

I like the way I smell thank you very much. I use peppermint body wash and lotion, and rosewater perfume. my perfume is not heavy, but very light and pretty. I like these smells and their combination. Or so I thought.

This morning I was getting ready for work and in my bathroom blowing my hair dry. My dad was standing in the hallway upstairs griping about something and my mom was telling him he was nuts from the comfort of her bed. A normal morning in my house. Then I turned off the blow dryer and hear that my mom was on the landing.

"Ashley!" she cried.

"Yeah?" I replied

"Are you smuggling beer in the house?" This actually amused me highly. See back when I turned 21 I went and bought a 6 pack of some pomegranate Smirnoff crap. I'm still trying to get rid of it. So there was a half drunk bottle in my room on my desk sitting there being a jolly half drunk bottle of crappy booze. But this is not important to the story, just a side note.

"You know me, mom." She laughed, cuz she a. wouldn't really care if I did buy beer, and b. thinks I'm funnier than a cheetah on speed.

"come here and smell this." Generally when my mom asks you to smell something it's in a Tupperware and has been in the fridge for a month. I don't smell things.

"I don't smell things."

"Just come here! Your father thinks it smells like stale beer." I laugh, because stale beer would be something my dad smells. So over I go like a good little daughter and I smell...... and I smell.... and I smell.... Wadda ya know, there's nothing that smells like stale beer. So I look at my mom with a smile and politely tell her she is crazy.

"You're crazy. I can't smell anything." My mom scoffs and then sniffs again.

"How can you not smell that! It's so strong now." I walk back to my room shaking my head and begin my search for earrings.

"You're nutso. Go back to sleep."

So I carried on with my morning. Except I forgot to put on makeup, which is slightly hilarious. Then I got in the car with my dad and sister.

"Oh! It's one of you two!" My dad yelled. Now Bri has a reputation for wearing really strong perfume that ends up smelling like poop or dead cow or something so she promptly yells: "It's not me! It's Ashley and her stupid perfume!" I would like to point out that I do not actually use perfume. I use an oil. I dot!!!! it on my wrists, behind my ears, on my ankles and behind my knees. As Marilyn Monroe once said "you should own your scent." and for the love of crap it smells like roses! So why is everyone hating on my roses!!! Well turns out that when you combined Rose Water and Peppermint you end up smelling like stale beer. Not that I'm going to change any of it. I have a very particular reason for wearing these things, and well if I smell like stale beer then I will just have to deal with the cards that smell hands me.

Okay scratch that. The old lady who hangs around here and likes to talk to me just walked over here and asked why it smelt like stale beer. There are moments when my life sucks. Right now is one of them. I need new perfume....

January 2, 2009

Cheese and Pie, George!

The title has nothing to do with this post, but is a line from my novel that I am rather proud of in an absurd Ican'twaitforpeopletoreadthisnovelandaskthemselvesifI'mreallyasstableasIclaimtobe kind of way. I hope everyone had a wonderful New Years Celebration. For, like, the 8th year in a row we stayed up and got busy until someone finally yelled "Oh hey! Happy New Year!" at 12:15, then someone else said "Oh hey! We've got some wine/champagne/cider." This year's champagne was not very good, however it did become absolutely fabulous when mixed with Lingonberry juice concentrate! And no I stuck to one glass, and not twenty. I find it really funny how people love to assume that I am some sort of lush, when I drink maybe three or four times a month. My mother calls me a verbal alcoholic. I think this mostly stems from the fact that all my alcohol stories are pretty funny in a omgareyoureallythatstupidAshley? kind of way (remind me to tell you all about the one night in Worcester, England as two 16 year old girls walked the streets of a foreign city as pissed (which is drunk in England English) as possible trying to find a taxi to get to their home, where the people who said they couldn't pick up said girls are sitting very peacefully watching the news. It was all somehow very funny at the time, especially the rubbing alcohol I had to put on my newly pierced ear).

Anyhoodles, I spent New Years Eve working on my novel which is almost complete. I still have two chapters to write, which oddly enough are in the dead middle. It may be three chapters depending on how much I talk, which if any of you know me, will probably be a lot and end up being four chapters. I wrote the last chapter last night and man is it corny! But in a good kind of way. Like it makes you all warm and happy inside and then you sigh and say "oh yay that's what love is supposed to be and how a book should end but please tell me more about these absolutely fabulous characters who are so peculiar and quirky I just need to know more!" and then I'll say "well ain't that just jolly, cuz guess what it is now a series! Mostly because my poor brain just kept going and now I'm kind of attached to their children. and damn I am going to have the hardest time killing off that one character." So needless to say I have lot's of plans for my dear characters. It's funny too because I really am attached to these people my mind created, like they're my real friends. Georgie, the heroine, is admittedly based on me, but she also has some differences, though I'm not going to tell you any of them, because I am not going to publicly divulge secrets of that nature when you all might just think they are figments of my imagination when on paper. That was a hard sentence to write. But anyways, I've learned a lot about myself as I watch her. I've learned a lot about how I see the world and why I've had such a hard time accepting things that I see when they don't match up to my ideals. And the character of Teddy has been really fun to develop. At first his name, Theo/Teddy/Ted (you'll have to read it to understand why it changes), was just something I pulled out of my bum to fill space. I intended to change his name at some point to Charles or Reginald, or Boris or some crap like that, but then he molded into Teddy, and the more I learned about him the more I liked him. I don't really write with a purpose. Usually I have an idea and then I kind of just let it flow until I get bored with it. I like to write as if I am the reader, so when something pops in my head and suddenly I'm like "holy crap! where did that come from!". But in this instance I knew exactly where I was going and how this story was going to end all along. Which is funny because I've written the ending about 37 million times. The dialogue and basic events were all mostly the same, but the setting and how they got there always changed (well mostly, I mean she still had to get on a plane and Zoe still had to call him, but you get the idea). Then I was laying in my bed half asleep, trying to take a nap when the most utterly perfect scenario jumped into my head. It was just so perfect! It was just as obnoxious as it needed, and involved music, and totally opened up a HUGE can of worms for the second book, and left just enough unknown to bring you back for more (why does her dad think he gave her something?), plus it was just soooooooo deliciously corny and romantic and tied into the first chapter so beautifully! I was soooooooo excited! So I ran into my mom's room and switched on her computer where I've been writing and began to type like crazy as I listened to Adele's cover of Bob Dylan's Make you feel my love on endless replay. It was a magical moment. Truly. And by truly I mean I'm the only one who thought it was magical, because when I told Chelsea the brilliant last line of the book, she laughed hysterically and told me to change it or she'd "disown" me. This has slightly annoyed me because I'm pretty sure she's just saying that because it was rich in sap, and being 16 you cannot openly admit to loving the sap, however on the inside she is bawling like a baby saying "OH oh, when will a boy ever say that to me!" and possibly is also melting in warmth and fuzziness. By the way if anyone ever reads my novel, they would know from the first line that I wrote it because it's told from Georgie's point of view and thus written like I talk, which hey wadda ya know is how I write my blog! Also all my catch phrases make several appearances.

In other news I'm so excited for all that I have planned for this year! Chel and I went to go do some shopping tonight and had a really good conversation about running off with your dreams. It made me hopeful and happy and really excited for the future. I think I've finally figured out who I want to be, and what I want to do, and where I want to go, and how I want to do it all. What's funny is it was always there in front of me, I was just too concerned with the other crap that wasn't important, and with doing what everyone else thought I should. I'm a horrible judge of myself and my abilities (which is probably why I do so many stupid things), so for a long time I just did what I was told, because it was easier than figuring out the truth (btw this is one of the themes of my book! Art imitates life y'know). I'm not sure what it was that made me see it, but something did. I think it was a series of events. A lot of them are silly, but serendipity is like that. what's really cool about my plans now is that I can't see them. I'm entering psycho territory here, but I've always had this theory that if I could see myself doing it, or being there It wasn't going to happen. SO whenever bad things seemed inevitable I've always imagined that they had happened and tried to live them out in my head so as to keep them from happening. It's worked pretty well thus far. But the bad thing about it is that when good things are coming my imagination gets the best of me and tends to cook up these horribly absurd adventures and jolly happenings, and they almost always (like 99.999% of the time) fall through. So what I find funny is that I can see myself where I want to be, except they're visions of the past. It's me seeing things I've already done. I've tried to imagine the future, but I physically cannot! It's so weird! Of course this whole theory is weird and should get me locked up.
Okay well I think I've yammered for long enough and made plenty of you think I'm crazy. Unless you're crazy. In that case you're probably all "man that's deep. you're one insightful chicky-babe, and I kinda think I'm in love with you." to which I will say, "oh golly Rob Pattinson, what a co-ink-y-dink! I'm in love with you too! let's get married and move to the Swiss alps and learn to ski, and then live in a tiny chalet, where we are too poor for wood, thus have to cuddle for warmth." And then we'll kiss at a rock concert just as the band starts playing a power love ballad. See what I mean about that imagination of mine.....